An Open Letter to Online Dating Profiles.

Dear almost every online dating profile everywhere,

Ahhh, online dating. Much like the Occulus Rift, it seems to be the way of the future. And much like Occulus Rift, I had not a clue what to expect.

It wants my soul….

I’m still pretty new to this online dating thing. I have tried to build a profile, answer the insane number of questions that could determine my happiness and of course peruse my “matches”. And I’m sure outside of the internet you are all intelligent and hard working and oh so romantic…

But your profiles…your profiles need some work.

Look, I’m not perfect either. I have zero clue on crafting my bio in order to get Mr. Right to notice me so we can watch Firefly reruns together for the remainder of our lives. But 80% of the profiles I’ve seen are exactly the same!

They are all so generic and vague I get bored before I finish the first sentence. Why not stick with just ‘lorem ipsum’?

Yes. I had to google it. So what?!

Here are some common tropes you should avoid.

1) Here’s my profile picture! I’m with another woman!

Really? You had no other options for pictures? In an age of selfies and social media, the only pic you have is with an ex, or a best friend, or a sister? If this was code that you require a chaperone, then carry on.

Although if it was Kaylee I might consider based on sheer awesome factor.

And to the fellow who cut out the face of the woman he was posing with, tactful. Very tactful.

2) “I’m passionate about living life and improving myself!”

That’s great. It really is. I love living life too. Breathing. Eating. Walking. It’s the best.

But is that all you’re passionate about? A positive outlook on life is great but it’s more a personality trait, not a passion. I was hoping for something a bit more specific: cooking or train models or Vikings. Heck, if you said that you collect vintage goat milking apparati that’d be more interesting to me than a generic phrase you copied from ‘Dating Profiles for Dummies’.

Could it be you’re embarrassed? Do you fear looking like a loser? Believe me, I get that! I took a big risk in putting my passion down: video games. Oh sure, I have other passions: I love language and food and history and swimming. But video games top that list. And video games ABOUT language and food and history? Well, that’s my idea of heaven.

Or I could just play Myst…I will just play Myst…that is heaven enough.

Amongst my age group, video games are still associated as being the domain of anti-social losers. But really…I don’t actually care that much. Why? Because I don’t want to date someone who thinks I’m a loser. And neither do you.

Basically, be open and specific. Sure, I may not understand your passion, but I get a lot more of your personality when you talk about something you like rather than confirming your fear of writing bios.

3) “I’m looking for someone who is honest and true to herself!”

This is a given. I could write something sarcastic, but I’m just tired now. Based on your definition I would be perfect for you…mostly because I’m not Rorschach.

Although if you’re into intense speeches and murder…then maybe I’m NOT the one for you.

Again, it’s all about specifics. Do you like shy people? Or insanely outgoing? Do you take things slow or do you want to dive into a relationship immediately? Do you like someone who jokes or do you need someone more serious? Will you want to murder them for liking Star Trek over Star Wars?

Personal preferences might SEEM like they make you look shallow and will limit your choices, but here’s the thing: I view online dating much like I view job hunting. First dates feel very much the same as a job interview does. They are pressure filled windows in which you must impress this complete stranger into wanting you around more…except with dating there is no money exchanged…at least I would hope that’s the case.

And much like job hunting, when I find an awesome posting in which I do not fulfill all the requirements, I more often than not apply anyway because the opportunity seems too exciting to pass up.

Jobs like GRIM REAPER!

So yes…in the end, dating is hard. ONLINE dating is especially hard. Putting your entire personality up on a website for the online world to judge is a very daunting prospect. But trust me when I say…you have more of a chance getting someone’s attention with that personality than you do hiding it.

So please…for your sake and mine…update your profile. Women and men. I would rather get to know a person and not a motivational poster. I have my boring office job for that.

Sincerely,

Still Single and Bored