New Glass Sphere Offers Technological Boon for Death Lasers
The world of the death laser was given a shocking new breath of life with the announcement of Rawlemon’s Beta.Ray sphere.
Despite the company’s public image that the sphere would only be used to collect sunlight for solar power, several experts in the death laser community have contested at length the sphere’s weaponizable possibilities. As one Dr. Armageddon put it “Oh come on! It freaking collects sunlight off of the moon! I could use my laser pointer and hold the mayor’s daughter at ransom from miles away with this thing!”
Behold, it collecting said moonlight.
Rawlemon was unwilling to comment on the death laser applications of their product limiting their correspondence to us by saying “Please go away you insane person.” Evil super villain scientist Professor Slaughter however, was available to comment once the orderlies had him secured.
“I, frankly haven’t been this excited for a solar powered death ray in years. Or seconds, the meds make it hard to keep track of time. Really, every super villain who’s tried to make a death laser has always looked at the sun as a viable energy source. Most lasers are vastly too expensive for the starting super villain. Don’t get me started on trying to steal on from your local university because that backfired. However when you debut, you don’t want to start small. You want a big gesture to show the world you mean business. Solar power is the natural evolution of that idea.”
Other super villains, however, claim that the Beta.Ray isn’t as much of an innovation as it is re-treading ground. Captain Slaughter attested to this belief when I interviewed him at Riker’s island. “We’ve all tried this, who hasn’t? But it’s just not practical.”
He went on to explain how General Solar attempted to use Fresnel lenses in series to focus light but in the end only resulted in lighting his own hair on fire and theoretically triggering the Toronto blackout 2003 according to anecdote. Police reports maintain that such was not the case.
A Fresnel lense causing small scale destruction before practical scale.
Despite this the field of solar power death lasers has perused many great minds. From Archimedes whose original design was used (according to testimony) successfully during the Punic Wars to revolutionary scientist Dr. I’m Going to Murder Your Whole Family (he was also a revolutionary in terms of villain names) who first used the Nikkor 6mm 2.8 Fisheye to shoot a laser around the left turn of a street to pursue an escaping money truck. Regretfully his model would break when apprehended by the police.
Who’s to say what the future of Rawlemon’s Beta.Ray holds for the field of death lasers? Let us hope though, that it is an interesting one.
