Laura Recaps American Horror Story: Coven; “The Replacements”.

Jessica Lange is basically the best bitch.

*You’ll notice Episode 2 is missing. That would be my fault. I have horrible time management. Sorry.

Anyway, recap time. This week on American Horror Story: Coven… “The Replacements”.

Fiona’s not in a good way. By that, I mean, she can’t sleep, and her booze is gone. Well, shit. Now she has to GO DOWNSTAIRS and GET MORE (ugh, effort). She magics the cabinet open, and has herself a seat in the living room.

FLASHBACK TIME! 1971. Teenage Fiona and the Supreme of the time, Anna Leigh, are discussing the how-to’s of the biz. Namely, how and when the Supreme knew in her heart who she was. However, she just tells Fiona she’s totally not ready, and not to test her. Pfft. We’re dealing with a teenage Jessica Lange, here, and she’s obviously going to have none of it. She knows she’s getting stronger, and Anna Leigh weaker. Snark from both directions, and Fiona quite stealthily slices Anna Leigh’s throat, leaving her to bleed to death on the ground. She turns and noticed Jeeves Spalding? Spalding, looking much younger, but still silent.

FLASHBACK OVER! We’re back at the present, and Fiona looks back to, again, Spalding, in the same spot. Methapors, or something. “Cat got your tongue?” She says slyly, sauntering past him. He stares off in the distance, clearly upset. WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU, SPALDING? Will we ever know?

Roll credits. I feel like I have dreams like this stuff sometimes if I take too much cough medicine. It’s not fun.

“It’s a dance – a dance no-one ever had to teach me.” (Sex. She’s talking about sex again.) We open in a bar, with a voiceover of Fiona reminescing about her, erm, skills. She got game all over the place – but sadly, she notices, as some beefy man passes her by for a younger woman, that her game is coming to an end.

Cut to her at a plastic surgeon’s office – Fiona’s not giving up on this aging thing, like, at ALL. She insists the doctor show her the procedural video so she knows exactly what’s going to be happening to her face – I’m not sure what she expected, but her reaction clearly reflects she wasn’t about to sign up for anything of the sort. Well, shit. now what?

We’re back with Zoe, and…some shady-looking woman packing a bowl on the kitchen table. “I’ve been feeling so haunted,” she says. “…I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you. Losing your son.”

Aaaand it’s Kyle’s mom. Yikes. Whether it be from grief, or she just looks like that all the time, this woman is not well put together. She’s been sleeping in Kyle’s room (aww), and stealing his stash (yay?). She tells Zoe about the kind of guy Kyle was. Just like we suspected from their brief meeting, he’s a really good dude. But she was also so devastated that she was about to kill herself, only to stop when the phone rang with Zoe on the other end. Zoe tosses out a foreshadowy “you’ll see your son again.” Groan.

Now this scene – THIS SCENE, you guys. Obama’s on the TV doing President things, and Delphine is just DISTRAUGHT. “Whatevs,” Fiona interjects calmly. “There’s black people all over the government now…and even in poetry!”

Delphine delivers the best line of the night, a long, drawn out, “LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEES.” Perfect.

Fiona’s not done – what’s this? A maid outfit? Delphine objects, but she’s threatened with the box again.

Nan and Queenie are perving on the new neighbour, a babely shirtless dude, and get totally cockblocked by his super bible-thumping mom who sees the girls and orders him back in the house. Madison catches a glimpse of the guy – it’s on.

We learn that Queenie is the only virgin (she’s saving herself), and Nan totally lands guys all the time. They find her hot. You go, girl.

Enter the new maid. Delphine’s not about to serve Queenie’s “kind” (uh-oh), and makes a scene. Fiona quickly drives the nail of shame a little deeper, ordering that Delphine is now Queenie’s personal slave. There’s nothing she hates more than a racist. BAM.

More Fleetwood Mac! We’re back at Misty’s cabin, and she’s chilling with Kyle on her bed. She’s happily singing along to the tunes, and Kyle, now awake, is staring at the ceiling with that “I don’t really want to be here right now but I can’t move because I have no control over my motor skills because I’m some kind of frankenzombie abomination” look that guys so often have. But much to Zoe’s surprise, his scars have healed up wonderfully with some good ol’ Louisiana mud. She wants to take him back to his mother – which is obviously a really, really AWESOME idea (Zoe is an idiot, basically, if you haven’t figured it out yet) – but Misty objects, either from loneliness or jealousy. Kyle makes it clear he wants to go with Zoe, however, and Misty gets so sad that she starts to spin around to the music Steve Nicks style by herself. I think we’ve all been there.

Nan armed with a cake, and Madison armed with a tiny blue dress, they knock on the door to welcome Luke, who in a hilarious turn of events, barely glances at Madison through the entire scene…and remains focused on Nan and her cake, which just so happens to be his very favourite. Oh, Nan, you cheeky girl. But the fun is soon over when Mom comes in, reminding him they’re late for bible study. Keeps them closer to God and stuff, you know. Madison, already annoyed at being rejected, tosses out some rude remarks and the girls are angrily told to leave. But not before Madison sets the curtains on fire (!!!). Apparently she didn’t know she could do that until now. OH GEEZ. More powers.

The next scene is super sad. Cordelia and Fiona are being shown alternatively speaking to their doctors. Cordelia about her fertility, Fiona about her plastic surgery. In both offices, the news is not good. Both women are incapable of having any form of surgery, and Fiona’s immune system is crashing hard. (And Madison’s powers are growing…AHHHH! It’s happening!!!)

Meanwhile, Zoe drops Kyle off at his front door, and he falls into his mother’s shocked arms. Kyle looks back at her with a really, really NO NO NO NO NO NO HALP look. Something’s not quite right.

Fiona’s drinking about her bad news, when Bible-Mom Joan comes in to tell her what happened with Madison. Fiona’s fucks are just about diminished at this point, and Madison happens to walk in during the complaining and happily informs Joan she set the curtains on fire because THE DEVIL! Joan leaves, demanding Madison leave her and Luke alone, and Fiona immediately begins weaving her plot to help Madison work on her newfound power.

His Mom is super happy to have her son back. But she walked in on him in the shower, and noticed he was…”different” (you know, because of the whole body parts thing)…she doesn’t care, though, because she’s so happy to have her boy back. Like, really, REALLY happy. Like…oh…oh God what is, she NOPE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE STAHP PLEASE…and there we have it, American Horror Story with the zombie incest. Kyle’s face is heartbreaking.

(I’m not posting a screenshot, you weirdos.)

Cordelia’s got business at the Voodoo Salon. She bring her fertility problem to Marie, who is playing Solitaire on her iPad atop a Voodoo throne – it’s quite the set-up. She explains the fertility spell, and we’re given a visual – sacrificial goats, fire, a Guinea Pepper, and of course, a jar of bubbling semen. You now, the usual. But in the end, she tells Cordelia to take a hike because her Mom’s a total bitch. Damn. Shitty buzz for Cordelia.

Fiona and Madison have cocktails downtown, and she tests Madison by having her get into a stranger’s head and convince him to walk into the traffic…or was it really Fiona the whole time? She watches Madison carefully, and seems pretty unsure of everything herself.

Delphine is begrudgingly in the kitchen, making Queenie everything ever, because she has to. Suddenly a loud crash against the door and a familiar shadow causes Delphine to freak out and try to run away, explaining to Queenie that she sees her old house boy, Bastien. Only he’s alive, and totally an actual Minotaur now. Yikes. Queenie cuts Delphine’s hand and wipes the blood on a towel, going outside to meet Bastien. She taunts him with the blood, and gives him a speech about how they both deserve love, then…(what the hell) starts to pleasure herself, which causes Bastien to come up behind her, and suddenly wrap his hand around her mouth, silencing her. QUEENIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

Kyle’s mom calls Zoe, expressing her concerns about her son being “not himself”…but before Zoe can get there, Kyle freaks out on his mother when she tries to seduce him again, and he promptly beats her to death, giving the viewers a quite detailed, yet oddly satisfying, view of her smashed-in head. It’s a nice surprise for Zoe when she shows up.

Speaking of oddly satisfying…this came to mind immediately following this episode:

Don’t pretend you weren’t thinking it.

Fiona and Madison have been having a night on the town. Booze, pool, flirting. It’s like the daughter she never had – or is it? Fiona watches Madison, who is becoming increasingly drunk, and suddenly sees her teenage self in Madison’s place. She pours her drink out. She knows what she has to do.
They get back home, and after explaining to her the whole power switching thing between the current and future Supremes, takes out a knife and begs Madison to finish her off, since she’s dying of cancer any way and just doesn’t care anymore. But in the scuffle, it ends up being Madison’s throat that gets cut, leaving her bleeding all over the floor.

How oddly familiar…Fiona smiles. “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.”

…wait. A rug, you say?

And scene.

Questions:

1. Will Madison stay dead?
2. What’s Cordelia going to do about everything she just found out?
3. What the shit is up with Queenie and the Minotaur?

American Horror Story: Coven airs Wednesday night at 10pm on FX