Laura Re-Caps Vikings: Season 2

Episode 1: “Brothers’ War.”

It’s been a long time, my fellow Northmen and women. But the wait is over.  Be warned though, spoilers abound…

Vikings has returned to us, and returned like a SCREAMING LION ON FIRE.

When we last saw Ragnar and the gang, things were a bit intense. He has joined up with King Horik, to aid him in a dispute over land against Jarl Borg. This was all fine and good, until Ragnar’s brother, Rollo, took lead of Borg’s soldiers in an effort to overthrow Ragnar and take his place as Jarl of the clan. So you know, nice family shenanigans.

The episode starts with a super serious slow motion shot of Rollo’s soldiers, presumably heading toward the battlefield. Rollo is hella pissed. Or sad. Or tired. I can’t really tell.

Pan over to Ragnar’s camp. Ragnar is totally calm and collected, stating that even though he hasn’t heard from his brother, he’s totally 100% sure he’s not going to betray him. Totally. 100%. Because bros. Oh, and because far as Ragnar is concerned, Rollo doesn’t have any reason to want to fight him. There’s the whole “overthrowing and murdering” thing, but that’s kind of on the d/l.

Then…like a dirty, crazy, eyeliner wearing angel…Floki pops in and delivers this solid gold perfection of a line:

“Who needs a reason for betrayal? One must always think the worst, Ragnar. Even of your own kin. That way you avoid too much disappointment in life.”

I WONDER WHAT THIS COULD POSSIBLY MEAN?!?!?

Ragnar now sits in his tent, reliving fond memories of Rollo dripping with blood and looking fierce. He’s snapped out of it when he thinks he hears a noise. Nothing in the distance is seen. Perfect time to wash his face (I know, I don’t get it either). But then, A DISTANT NOISE FOR SERIOUS! he looks towards the hills, and lo and behold…brother dearest and his soldiers are heading toward the camp, with their mind on their money and their money on their mind.

Shit, Ragnar thinks. I was way off.

TIME FOR MY FAVOURITE SHOW INTRO EVER. I’m posting it because I know you missed it too.

 

And we’re back.

One-Eye heads over toward Rollo’s men. “We’ve fought together, I consider you a brother,” he says. “do you really want to raise your axe to your real brother? Your own flesh?”

Nah, Rollo is having none of it. “I will answer him in blood.”

And thus, it’s go time. A horn sounds, Ragnar looks a bit embarrassed, and Floki tosses in a little “I told you so”.

Two families, both alike in dignity, in fair Vero- no. Wait.

Two brothers, on either side of the battlefield.

Shields up (STAR TREK REFERENCE YOU GUYS). Spears. WALL OF DEATH!

And then suddenly it’s like the news anchor brawl in Anchorman. There’s horses, and a man on fire…maybe there was, you don’t know. What an epic battle scene! Bloody, graphic, lots of yelling and leaping (yes, leaping) and spearing dudes while they’re mid leap which is rather impressive, and ALL this and it’s not even 10 minutes into the episode yet.

Things are fairly evenly matched…until a guitar wails (for real) and Rollo comes flying out of nowhere with his axe and just starts ruining everyone’s day. His goal is the only thing on his mind, so it’s just slash, maim, murder, repeat. Floki takes notice, and tries to help his allies – only to end up at the mercy of Rollo and Borg, who show him none.

After a bit of pacing…Floki takes an axe to the chest, and gets nailed in the face with another weapon. I screamed in protest, and texted a friend about how terrible the thing was that I just saw happen to Floki. Then almost immediately afterward, One-Eye? Impaled by Rollo. Hard. Very Dead.

I sent my friend another text along the lines of WHAT THE HELL IT’S NOT FAIR WHY IS EVERYONE DYING…see, I’m used to watching this after Game of Thrones, and we all know that in GoT, when you grow fond of someone, they die horribly. But it doesn’t make this any easier. RIP, One-Eye.

Finally, Ragnar appears in front of Rollo, and they’re given room. Ragnar holds his place. He stares at his blood soaked sibling, and, fighting back tears, asks him if this is what he really wants. After a really intense few seconds, Rollo drops to his knees.

“I cannot fight you brother.” The battle is over.

Tending to their dead and wounded (and thank Odin FLOKI IS ALIVE, YAY! But badly hurt, boo…), the others look on as Borg approaches Horik’s tent. Horik steps outside, and the look on his face is literally nothing but “well do you SEE what bullshit this is, this is YOUR fault.”. He gives in and offers 1/3rd of the profits from the lands they’ve been disputing over.

Nope. Borg still wants more.

Oh, come ON, as the Vikings roll their eyes. Ragnar practically facepalms. He is about 945% done.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE.” He walks up to both of them, and wonders aloud why anyone is fighting at all. Remember last season when I took everyone West, and we came back with treasure, and books, and slaves? Remember how cool that was? Why aren’t we doing that? Stop fighting over land when we can just go get MORE, and then let future generations use what we have here?

And just like that, both Borg and Horik agree. Just like that. It literally went:

“Eh, sure. You in, Horik?”

“Yeah. I’m in.”

Now that THAT whole ordeal is over with, Ragnar strolls over to his bound brother and leans down to deliver another awesome burn: not that you care, but your niece is dead...jerk. Floki spits at him, wincing in pain. Totally worth it.

The clan returns. Everyone is super stoked, until they realize many of the men they sent away are now missing. Their excitement quickly turns to anger and Rollo gets slapped around as he is taken through the crowd. Over dinner in the Lothbrok home, Lagertha is none too keen on the fact that the battle took place at all. Ragnar dismisses her, saying it had to happen, and he’s tired, and lay the hell off. But Lagertha, as we know, doesn’t take any shit from anyone, and decides to bring out the big guns.

“Who is Aslaug?”

Ohhhhhh shit.

Ragnar leaves, poorly attempting to avoid the subject. Lagertha chases him out of the room, destroys some pottery via his face, and eventually discovers the truth…that yes, Ragnar did sleep with the princess. Only once, which is sort of not as bad as otherwise, I guess. She demands Ragnar never sees her again in exchange for forgiveness. He agrees, they have their usual hot sex.

The next day, Bjorn is having teenager feels, and wants his dad to stop being such a tool. Ragnar laughs it off and distracts him with a coin from England. “It’s worth a fortune?” Bjorn asks. Ragnar grins.

Meanwhile, Rollo is shackled up, when whoooo comes to visit, but the biggest asshole of them all, Siggy. The whole overthrow attempt wouldn’t have even happened if it wasn’t for her, and Rollo doesn’t forget it. She tries to console Rollo, but is calmly told “you cannot warm a dead man.”. He knows he’s pretty screwed.

At his judgement, the Lawgiver, much to the alarm and surprise of pretty much everyone, says his life is spared. Reasons behind this are simple: if the Gods wished him dead, he would have died in battle. But he was spared, and stood down at the mercy of his brother. Basically, Viking Law Ain’t Nothin’ To Fuck With. Many of the crowd are understandably upset, but nothing can be done.

Later on, Rollo confesses to Ragnar, “I wanted to step out of your shadow….but there was no sunlight at all.” Damn. Siggy enters her home to find him packing. Rollo plans to leave. Everyone hates him, he’s crap, etc. Siggy talks sense into him, reminding him that he was given another chance, and he should consider himself damn lucky.

Ragnar has a heartfelt talk at the lake to his newly deceased daughter. I can say I never expected this show to have such a touching moment that actually brought tears to my eyes. However, the heartfelt moment is quickly stomped on by Princess Bitchy Resting Face, a.k.a. Aslaug. And wooo boy, is she pregnant as HELL.

“Uh, Dad, there’s a lady approaching on a boat. I think it’s that chick you got mad at me for telling Mom you boned that one time.”

Ragnar, with the most shocked expression of life, watches in horror as Aslaug steps off the boat in all her pregnant Bitchy Resting Face glory. Someone’s about to have a bad, bad day. But it’s not us, because the most awkward introduction ever, is followed by the most awkward DINNER ever. STARRING A BABY GOAT!

Seriously. There’s a baby goat on the table, doing baby goat things. Ragnar picks it up and starts snuggling it, apparently attempting to distract himself from the fact that he is seated between his wife and baby mama. Lagertha attempts small talk, but it doesn’t go to well. Aslaug name drops her parents, who are HUGE deals in Viking lore, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable for everyone around. Bjorn, however, sees right through her, and makes it clear she isn’t a part of the family.

Outside after the meal, Bjorn protests Aslaug’s continued presence, but for some reason Ragnar decides he wants to be noble now and let her stay because she’s carrying his child.

I believe his sudden nobility is a direct effect of him still holding the baby goat. He’s still holding the baby goat, you guys.

He very plainly tells Bjorn that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. All his childhood friends are dead, so…that’s a metaphor for happiness. It’s basically what you make of it, so suck it up.

Siggy and Lagertha have a brief but emotional conversation about Aslaug. her story seems legit – but Lagertha is still unsure about what to do. Whatever that may be, it has to be for the good of Bjorn. She’s visibly upset, which is a rare thing.

We’re given relief of the sadness for a while as Ragnar and Bjorn visit Floki, who has been being taken care of by his girlfriend Helga. he is in wonderful spirits, and happily exclaims while he thought he was dead, he dreamt of building a bunch more boats and pillaging across the ocean like the good old days of last season. He’s later brought into the dining hall, able to walk with assistance, and everyone rejoices. can you blame them? Floki’s the best.

But again, that which is good does not last. Aslaug appears, and her handmaidens place several beautiful plates of food on the table. “It’s no trouble, as long as it’s pleasing to you.” She smiles at Lagertha, who is literally mouth-agape  shocked at this woman. I’m not even sure what her deal is at this point, but I don’t like her. However, nothing could have prepared me for what Ragnar does next.

In total, “Holy Tap Dancing Jesus On A Cracker DID HE ACTUALLY” fashion, he suggests that not only does Aslaug stay, but that he becomes married to both of them. At once.

Remember in the beginning of the episode when I said Ragnar was about 945% done?

This doesn’t even compare. Lagertha is completely, totally, 8000% GET ME THE EFF OUT OF HERE DONE. So done, in fact, that when Ragnar is away, she packs up her things, and just takes off. But not before telling Bjorn that he needs to choose between her and his father. He tearfully chooses Ragnar, and watches as his mother goes on her way. Of course, Ragnar comes back JUST then, and Bjorn angrily tells him what happened. He bolts after her on his  horse, and begs her to stay. She reminds him he’s a total dickwad and also hell no she’s not staying.

Just to make matters worse, Bjorn comes running after everyone, saying he changed his mind and wants to leave also. The look on Ragnar’s face says more than anything I could ever write.

Way too many feels right now….I think I need a minute.

We close the episode with Ragnar returning home, touching Aslaug’s belly, and walking inside, defeated.

 

Well, that escalated quickly.

I’m mentally exhausted after all that, but geeeez am I glad this show is back. If this is any indication, this season is going to be FANTASTIC. I can’t wait. I’ll be recapping the entire season, so keep an eye out.