Honest Tips on Geek Dating
Sometimes, there are unfortunate stereotypes about geeks and Comic-Con attendees that turn out to come from a grain of truth, among them being the presence of lonesome people who bemoan being single. And while geeky men and women who struggle to find love deserve the sympathy of any other human being, sometimes folks in this scene have a talent for shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to pursuing their heart’s desire. Since today is for St. Valentine’s, it might be worth cutting through the cheesy, commercial atmosphere and deliver a few truth-bombs about how to navigate through the process of dating nerdy folks.
While every situation and individual will have slightly different interests and needs, these points will (hopefully) cover bases that are important for both self-improvement and healthy relationships.
TIPS FOR EVERYONE:
- There is a time and a place for complaining about being single. Nobody is going to fault you for feeling lonely, but they certainly will for not knowing when to shut up about it. Mentioning that you feel lonely, or unhappy, directly to the people you like and are trying to court is not advised. It places what you want from the person before their own interests or what makes them happy, and this will probably cause you to send off what scientists call “a creeper vibe”. It makes you look emotionally manipulative, as if you’re trying to use the other person’s pity to get attention and affection from them. Even if this isn’t your deliberate intention, it still may leave an uncomfortable impression with the other person.
- Know when to keep certain things in the bedroom. If you have fetishes/fantasies it goes without saying that there’s nothing wrong with that – as long as you’re not hurting others or encroaching on their comfort zone. Keep those interests your own business until it is appropriate time to negotiate what you like and want with others. “But, I want people to accept me for me!” you insist. And while that’s a perfectly normal desire, it’s also not an excuse for engaging in T.M.I. An 18+ panel or event that is focused on sexuality and fetishes, good place for it. The middle of a convention dealer’s room, not so much. Exposing your intentions right out of the gate before you know what that cute boy or girl you’re talking to likes has high potential to make you look – well, creepy.
- Basic courtesy Let’s face it – geeks are not known for being the biggest social butterflies, many of us rejected and ridiculed by our peers in early life, which does not exactly set everyone up for having a wonderful grasp of social situations, whether it’s mundane or at a convention. But there are certain things that everyone should know. Use “please” and “thank you” – it’s little but it goes a long way. Listen twice as much as you talk, which also helps in looking less self-centered and being able to assess whether that person you like is comfortable with you and potentially interested. And when you’re at a convention, ALWAYS ask before photographing cosplayers and NEVER treat them like your personal fantasy dispensers. They are people too and they will make their own choices about how they want to present themselves.
TIPS FOR SPECIFIC FOLKS:
- For the ladies seeking gentlemen: Stop validation-seeking. Your life will not magically revolutionize and improve your self-esteem once you come across a good mate. Seeking approval and validation from anything in your life that can be removed or taken away is risky and unhealthy. Being in a relationship is not inherently better than not being in one. Some of you may know this in the rational part of your minds but the emotional turmoil of “needing a man” overrides reason. And quite frankly, that is an insecurity that it is your responsibility to face. Not your society’s, not your friends’, not your partner’s. It is yours. Having a relationship as an adult means handling the issues like one too.
- For the gentlemen seeking ladies: You are not owed a girl and they do not owe you anything just for beings girls, no matter how much society and media have fed you this illusion. Access to a woman is not granted just because you have a job, good grades, and are a decent human being. Relationships are not rewards for good behavior; they are bonds that are strongest when developed organically with trust and respect, and can be broken without those things. If you complain loudly about cosplayers you don’t like and aggressively question the authenticity of nerds who happens to be female, you are setting yourself up for loneliness and nobody sane will feel sorry for you.
- For the heavier-set persons: First of all, I would like to apologize on behalf of society for the truckloads of prejudiced nonsense you have to deal with just for existing. Now, onto business: Nobody’s saying you have to look like Chris Evans or Anne Hathaway but for your own sanity, make sure you develop the ability to at least be generally okay with who you are and how you look. Your social and romantic experiences will be unhealthy if you expect others to accept you before you’ve done yourself that same favor. Some people might glaze over you for how you look, and it really, truly sucks, but that doesn’t mean they’re evil manipulative shallow “sluts” or “assholes”, it means that they’re allowed to have personal preferences (so long as they’re not attacking you directly for your weight). There are people out there who won’t care what you weigh, but you’re going to miss them if too busy feeling sorry for yourself and cursing the names of people who aren’t into you.
As someone who’s been in a long-term relationship with someone I met through cosplay and conventions, I will wrap up with this advice: dating is an honest-to-god crapshoot, whether you’re a nerd or a citizen of any other sub-culture. Some people in happy relationships don’t fully grasp what they did to really obtain – and maintain – their relationship. Romance is a process that takes time, and giving up because results aren’t immediate and plentiful is possibly the worst thing you could do to yourself if you’re serious about finding a mate.
You might be sitting here saying, “But a lot of this doesn’t sound nerdy, so what gives?” – and that is because of something that we all tend to forget sometimes: just because we’re geeky doesn’t mean we’re not still people.
