Geekpr0n Tests the Wankband

*the following document was left at the geekpr0n offices several weeks ago. It remained misfiled until it was recently discovered. The staff member who was given this assignment has not been heard from since its delivery date*

Good day fellows! I have recently been tasked by my bosses at Geekpr0n to test out a new product by Pornhub called the Wankband.

It seems that within this small watch there’s a minute device that creates an electrical charge whenever the arm moves up and down. As such a USB cable can be affixed to the side and the Wankband will charge any electronic device that can accept a charge from a USB port.

So I’ve unboxed my version and I’m going to keep a journal of my use of the Wankband. Let’s see how it goes.

Day 1

After some minor start up issues I have successfully gained a full charge and I’ve kept my phone at maximum charge for the full day.

Day 2

My phone wasn’t showing a loss of charge throughout the night so I found my USB splitter so that I could charge my 3DS and my Kobo at the same time. Everything reached full charge before day’s end.

Day 3

I’m not sure what happened but I think I overloaded the charge in my Kobo and it blew up. I need more heavy electronics to spread the power load out. I’ve made a call to an electrician friend for some wiring work.

Day 4

I’ve managed to connect a laptop to the power hub using USB. So far all devices seem to be operating at full power with no drop. That said, I’m starting to smell a burning sensation from the power hub. My electrician friend (who insists on being kept nameless) will be by tomorrow.

Day 5

We’ve managed to wire the Wankband directly into a power bar. We’ve added devices to the unit and now all handheld electronics in the house are on a continual charge from the Wankband. Also my electrician friend will no longer look at me.

Day 6

I experienced minor skin irritation today but it passed.

Day 7

I’ve managed to hook my PC and all supported peripherals into the power bar. So far there are no drops in performance, in fact the PC has never run better.

Day 8

I’ve now plugged in all of my USB charged devices directly into the PC and they’ve retained a full charge. I’m not sure how far this is going to go.

Day 9

My electrician friend came over today and started measuring output. After several minutes of explicitly not looking at me he managed to explain that if I continued at this current rate of usage I would easily surpass the device’s capacity to hold a charge even with this constant connection. With that in mind we hooked the device to my basement surge protector. Despite the momentary power loss from the switch over, all electronics on my basement floor are now purely being powered by me.

Day 10

We connected the washer and dryer to the power junction. My friend just kept repeating to himself “He just keeps producing more power than before. How does he do that? Isn’t his bloody arm tired?” I’m worried the experience may be warping him.

Day 11

We’ve wired the Wankband directly into the breaker box in the basement. Thus far I’m generating power for the entire basement level. We can’t seem to get the furnace and water heater on the system.

Yet.

Day 12

I think a third of the house is currently being powered by me now. I’m starting to lose track of time. Arm’s getting a bit numb.

Day 13

I’m able to power most of the house now minus some TVs on the top floor. Lights were flickering for a bit this morning.

Day 14

The house is now completely off the grid and is, in fact, supplying power back out to the grid. My electrician friend hasn’t showered in a few days and I’m getting concerned for his well being.

I thought my butt was going numb but it ended up being gas.

Day 15

My Electrician friend is just staring at the voltmeter now and is silently muttering to himself. I’m not sure what kind of output were doing but he seems pleased with the results so that’s what’s important.

At least, I think he’s pleased. He’s mostly talking to himself… and answering.

Day 16

Ontario power came by to ask how we were putting so much power back on the grid. They left upon seeing our set up with me using the Wankband and my electrician friend in his dishevelled state. They left screaming.

Day 17

We were given a cease and desist letter. Before I could read it my electrician friend lit it on fire and started on an extended rant about “Following in the footsteps of Zeus” or somesuch. Wasn’t really paying attention.

I did catch a bit on the end where he said “We have enough power to repel armies” Before he resumed cackling. He then went upstairs.

Had to switch hands today.

Day 18

I heard some police sirens upstairs but a strange buzzing sound filled the house and the sirens were gone. I think I overloaded the TV.

Day 19

I heard a lot of construction sounds outside today. I was too busy powering the house to ask what was going on.

Day 20

I heard my electrician friend cackling upstairs today about how “The police can’t catch you if your building moves on tank treads!” I wonder what video game he’s playing.

Day 21

I’m told that we’re going to lose internet (and water for some weird reason) for a few days due to some of the construction going on outside. I think I should stop my journal at this point.

Overall product review: The Wankband is a solid piece of technology but it could do with several higher amperage options for high frequency. There was a bit of a burning smell around day 10 that I failed to report so that’s something to be considered for future models.

I don’t see this getting a lot of traction though in the wider market. There’s a lot of social stigma around the process needed to use this sort of device. Perhaps it could be rebranded as a device that charges while you run.