Game of Thrones Recap: Valar Dohaeris

The first episode of Season Three commenced where Season Two had concluded- with terror.

For any Game of Thrones fan, there’s nothing quite as chilling as three horn blows (one blow indicates the return of Rangers, two blows indicate Wildlings, and three horn blows indicates that you’re about to die a horrific death). When we left the brave men of The Night’s Watch they were all running for their lives, and through snow no less which – as any Canadian will tell you – is no easy feat. So it was nice to be reassured right off the bat that all of our favourite crows were alive and well (well…alive). Sam escaped unscathed, Mormont came out of the battle with barely a scratch, and even the broad, rugged, endearingly dim-witted guy is still in one piece!

I was disappointed that we missed the actual battle that took place at The Fist of the First Men, but was glad that we didn’t linger on The Night Watch’s current conundrum, as there were so many characters to check in on after a year-long hiatus.

Jon Snow and his fiery captor Ygritte, for instance! It’s very apparent that these two will soon be caught k-i-s-s-i-n-g in a Weirwood tree in the not-so-distant future, which means that fans of Kit Harington should rejoice! You just know he’s finally going to strip out of his furs this season! Enough about those disheveled lovebirds, though- can we talk about that giant for a minute? Awesome with a capital AWE. Although I was, admittedly, not terribly impressed with the appearance of the dreaded White Walkers last season (the one on the horse looked like he was being played by the Cryptkeeper- I’d like to think that guy is still getting work), I was blown away by the special effects displayed in this episode. I was as impressed as Jon Snow was by our first glimpse of a real, live giant. Ciarán Hinds was equally as impressive as Mance Rayder, bringing an air of gravitas to the otherwise wild Wildlings camp, and following their first exchange, I’m really looking forward to Jon’s story arc with the King-Beyond-the-Wall.

You know nothing, Jon Sn…oh…

Like I said, there were many people to touch base with still, and so we quickly left Jon to exchange coquettish glances with Ygritte and headed South just in time to witness a barbarous exchange between Cersei and Tyrion Lannister.

Poor Tyrion has no idea how loved he is. As if coping with Cersei wasn’t enough, he’s also forced to endure his father’s caustic reprimands. Charles Dance is brilliant in the role, but that just makes the scene between Tywin and Tyrion all the more painful to witness. For the fans that have read the books, we’re already aware that Tyrion’s story gets worse before it gets better (just kidding- this is Game of Thrones– everyone’s life remains terrible!), but it’s still hard to watch the customary comic relief be browbeaten in such a brutal manner- and for circumstances entirely beyond his control. Considering how unwilling a Lannister is to let go of past grudges, I’ve begun to suspect that Taylor Swift is a distant relative. Taylor Swift always pays her debts.

Ser Ilyn! Bring my his head!

On the topic of undeserved misery (and unrealistic love songs), we also had the opportunity to catch-up with Sansa Stark. Yep, she’s still being held captive in King’s Landing, and is still utterly miserable about it. And for the record, I do feel bad for Sansa. Was she kind of dumb? Yeah, but her rose-tinted glasses weren’t so much removed as they were back-handed off her pretty face. I had a hard time forgiving her for forgiving Joffrey for the murder of her Direwolf (R.I.P. Lady), but with that being said, it’s currently -1 in mid-April. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be warm, so as a fellow lady of the North I can understand her adamant determination to get the hell out of Winterfell.

The writers have evidently chosen to replace the role of Ser Dontos with Littlefinger (in the books Ser Dontos- the drunken knight from S2Ep1 was the one to encourage Sansa’s dreams of escaping the capitol), but I completely understand the decision. There are so many story arcs to follow that it’s only inevitable a few characters will wind up being Tom Bombadil’d along the way.

So, really not much to report on Sansa except that she’s pretty and unhappy. She’s pretty unhappy. She has also inspired me to return to my own redheaded roots, which is pretty much the only liberating thing Sansa Stark has encouraged any woman to do. I’m excited to witness her growth as a character because so far all we’ve had the chance to do is pity her. As a result of this, Margaery Tyrell is an even more welcome addition to the cast of King’s Landing. They could not have cast an actress better suited for the role of the savvy and cunning young woman. Natalie Dormer is best known for her turn as Anne Boleyn in The Tudors, but despite the similarities between Anne and Margaery (they both successfully managed to woo a tyrannical King), you manage to forget that you’ve ever seen her in anything else- she lives and breathes as Margaery. I was positively thrilled when I heard that she had been cast, and she did not disappoint. I’m fairly certain that the only person not charmed by Margaery is Cersei, who evidently does not believe that handing out toys to orphans is a worthwhile endeavor. Oh, Cersei.

Getting to know Margaery a little bit better almost (almost) compensates for the fact that we don’t get to spend any time with Arya, though we do have the opportunity to catch-up with a few of the other surviving Starks. Catelyn, Robb, and his new wife Dr. Talisa Medical Woman. I could dedicate an entire post to all of the many reasons why I despise what they have done to the character of Jeyne Westerling- highlighting all of the many ways in which she sticks out of the story like a sore thumb (she’d probably try to heal it), but…no, I will. I will! I will write that post! I’ll spare you all a rant within a recap for now, but my God(s), she manages to earn a Liz-Lemon-worthy eye-roll from me every time she wafts on-screen.

So, yeah, Robb is still mad at his mother for releasing the Kingslayer, and Talisa/Jeyne Steinem is still being insufferable and that’s about it.

Now can we talk about Daenerys?

Oh, fine, Davos first. I’m glad Davos is alive and well (because Liam Cunningham is positively dashing), but he doesn’t stay “well” for very long. Stoic “King” Stannis throws him into a cell because he wouldn’t let Melisandre the redheaded sorceress join in all the reindeer games. Or something. Seriously, though, let’s move on.

Let’s move on to the Mother of Mother Fucking DRAGONS.

When we finally see Daenerys again she’s finally on a boat and so are her dragons and the dragons are fishing and flying and breathing-fire and oh MAN is it ever awesome.

BAMF.

I’m making an honest effort to rein it in here, but did you guys SEE Drogon getting those ear scritches?! I want a dragon. Not even three- just one would suffice. According to Daenerys her dragons aren’t growing “fast enough”, but on behalf of the FX Department and fans everywhere, allow me to say- patience young Targaryen- no one feels bad for you. You’re snuggling a dragon the way most people snuggle their cats- just live in the present for like, a second. Wars can wait, okay? Your dragons won’t be dragon babies forever. Soon they’ll be embarrassed when you drop them off at Westeros High and you’ll find yourself fondly reminiscing about the time they could ride upon your shoulders like fire-breathing parakeets.

We leave our favourite contender for The Iron Throne in Astapor, where shit is clearly about to hit the proverbial fan. By the end of the episode, there has been one botched assassination attempt against Dany’s life, Ser Barristan Selmy has returned to swear fealty to the Targaryens once more, and some guy is missing a nipple.

It’s okay, though. He didn’t need it anyway.