Game of Thrones Recap: Kissed By Fire

Well, I caught up, only to fall two weeks behind.

Remember that Direwolf I mentioned in my previous recap? Her seasonal allergies flared up horribly this past week (no, I’m not kidding), and as a result I was forced to spend my free time Talisa’ing my dog. Thankfully, she’s doing better now, although she still doesn’t respond to “Dracarys”.

Unless she thinks “Dracarys” means “sit on that stump”.

With that being said, I just…I don’t know. This episode was pretty good. There were so many butts and they were all great, but (no pun intended) no one was lit on fire by a dragon, so, maybe I’m just feeling uninspired. Watching Episode Four was like making passionate love with Viggo Mortensen. On the one hand- awesome- on the other- awful- because now everything else rouses a dejected “Was that it?” in comparison.

I’ll do my best to recap Kissed by Fire because I owe it to you guys, but deep down I feel like we should all just watch And Now His Watch Is Ended again and high-five, but I digress.

Kissed By Fire started out with a bang. Literally.

No! Not like that!

We begin with The Hound’s trial by combat. He’s fighting Beric Dondarrion (and his flaming sword), and at first things don’t appear to be going so well for Sandor. Thankfully, despite his sheer and obvious terror, he manages to defeat Beric (and his flaming sword) in the end, thus proving himself innocent! Well, at least innocent in the eyes of the Lord of Light.

Quick question: If the outcome of trials by combat are supposedly determined by the Gods, and the victor of the fight confesses that he is in fact guilty of his supposed conviction…does that mean the Gods are aware of their malfeasance and just don’t give a damn? Rude.

Anyhow, Arya is having none of the Lord of Light’s verdict, and decides to take matters into her own hands. She leaps into the fray with a knife and attempts to stab The Hound (wouldn’t it have just been easier to have selected him as one of your chosen three, Arya?), but before she can succeed, Thoros of Myr manages to resurrect Beric with a prayer. Whaaat? Even The Hound is like “Whaaat?” and he was Joffrey’s guard for like, years, so you know he’s seen some crazy shit.

We leave The Hound, Arya and zombie Dondarrion behind to check in on Jon, who is still hanging out on the wrong side of The Wall (depending on your personal stance, I guess). Not much is new here. He’s still being bullied and berated and threatened by his newfound comrades and- is that the guy from The Pirates of the Caribbean? I’m pretty sure it is. The one whose eye kept popping out. Anyway, the rugged redhead (I know his name is Tormund, but don’t even pretend you’re not at least slightly attracted to him) finally confesses that he likes Jon, and then in the same breath threatens to pull his pretty guts out if it turns out he’s lying about the Night’s Watch’s defense. Progress?

Before he has long to dwell upon his current conundrum, Ygritte steals his sword-

Okay, now.

-and scampers off into a cave with it. The cave turns out to be a five star resort inside, and before Jon has time to realize what’s happening, Ygritte is naked and Winter Is Coming.

If my clever pun went over your head- they have sex.

More importantly, however, she stole my line. Remember my first recap? Jon Sno…oh?

Yeah.

I’m sure Kit Harington fans were disappointed that the scene wasn’t longer or more graphic (especially considering how prolonged some of the other sex scenes have been), but it didn’t need to be. Not that any of them really needed to be (I’m looking at you, Littlefinger), but still. Things were sweeter than they were hot and heavy (even despite the hot tub), but before we can begin feeling too happy for the star-crossed lovers, we return to Harrenhal, where everything is bleak and miserable.

Locke delivers Brienne, Jaime, and Jaime’s hand (it’s its own character- I bet it has its own Twitter account by now) to Roose Bolton, who apologizes to Brienne and then proceeds to mercilessly mock Jaime. Considering he’s been held captive for the past few months, Jaime has no idea what has been going on with his family at King’s Landing. Roose takes advantage of this fact, filling him in on Battle of Blackwater, and waiting until he is literally on the brink of collapse before he brings up his beloved twin sister. He draws out the news until the last possible moment. “Your sister…

…is alive and well.” Hey, Roose? Shatner called. He wants his dramatic pauses back.

After their welcome, Jaime is separated from Brienne to have his wound tended to. He’s brought to a man named Qyburn, who isn’t…exactly a Maester, as he was expelled from his Order. That’s reassuring. Unfortunately for Jaime, his festering stump is in pretty dire need of assistance, so he has no choice but to trust Qyburn’s questionable abilities. They weigh their options (cut off the whole arm…cauterize it with burning wine…) and settle for the worst and most painful option. On top of that, Jaime refuses anesthesia, because this is Game of Thrones and everything is terrible.

Back at King’s Landing, Cersei is trying her luck with Littlefinger again, this time requesting he keep an eye on those pesky Tyrells. Meanwhile, Tyrion is in a meeting with the greatest Tyrell of them all! Olenna has joined him to assist in the planning of the grandiose Royal Wedding (move aside, Will and Kate), and after some delectable banter, she agrees to foot the bill for half of the charade. Why not? The Crown is already in serious debt- what’s one more wedding?

House Windsor: Royal Babies Are Coming.

Then- just when you’re starting to feel amused- the writers shank you in the feelings with a scene between Gendry and Arya. Apparently Gendry has decided to remain with The Brotherhood. He’s no longer interested in servitude, you know, because all of his previous employers kept selling him to people who wanted him dead. He also wants to settle down and have a family of his own, having grown up an orphan and an outcast his entire life. When Arya replies- “I could be your family”- Gendry points out that if he were to follow her and serve her brother, she wouldn’t be his family, she’d be “m’lady”. She runs off, dejected, and viewers worldwide clutch their hearts in unison.

George R.R. Martin- you’d better be writing right now and not reading this, but if you are, please make sure Gendry and Arya wind up together in the end. Please? We don’t ask for a lot, so, just let us have this. Just let us have this!

Later that night, Arya is moping in front of the fire with Thoros when they’re joined by zombie Beric. Turns out the Lord of Light has brought Beric back not once- but six times before. How? Apparently by doing “stuff…and things”. This revelation doesn’t rattle Arya. Her response runs more along the lines of hope than fear, and she asks if it would be possible that the Lord of Light bring back a man who had lost his head. Oh, Arya, we miss him too.

On the topic of misguided honour, we then return to Robb in Riverrun. Remember those two little boys Talisa whimsically terrified? Yeah, they’re dead. Richard Karstark (who apparently didn’t learn his lesson when Grey Wind bit a few of his fingers off last season), killed them in their beds to avenge the death of his sons who died at the hands (R.I.P. right hand) of Jaime Lannister. When Karstark is brought before the King in the North, he mocks him, certain he’ll be spared for his traitorous ways the same way Catelyn was spared for releasing The Kingslayer.

Sadly for Karstark, Robb and his chest hair have expended what little mercy they once had, and he declares that the punishment for this treason will cost the man his head. Both Catelyn and Edmund pipe up in defense of Karstark’s actions, beseeching Robb to reconsider, and then Talisa “That poor boy lost his foot on your orders” chimes in. She too wants him to overlook this betrayal and forgive Karstark for slaughtering the two boys in cold blood.

Wait. What?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but did Robb Stark not fall in love with Talisa after she scolded him about the brutality of war? She chided him about the fallen soldiers, waxed poetic about how they had all been thrust unfairly into a battle that was not their own, and besmirched his heroic efforts to wage war against a tyrant. Now this same woman is literally stepping over the cold cadavers that- mere hours prior- had been living, breathing, frightened little boys in her care? When did she change her tune? Why? To better suit her husband? Bravo, writers! First you steal my line and then you completely change the character you already completely re-worked and manage- by some incredible feat- to make me despise her even more than I had previously.

“Put their tiny carcasses in a catapult and fling them at the enemy!”

Anyway, even in spite of Talisa’s complete and utter disregard for the lives of the two Lannister boys, Robb chops off Karstarks head while Grey Wind stands watchful guard in the background. Hopefully Robb Stark will never fail to trust his Direwolf’s instincts again, because Grey Wind clearly knows who is- and who is not- to be trusted.

Karstark’s head is still rolling when we depart Riverrun and revisit Dragonstone, where Stannis is visiting with his wife, Selyse. He attempts to confess to her that he has had a shadow-bastard-child with Melisandre, but before he can even choke out the confession, Selyse is reassuring him that she’s already aware. In fact, she thinks it’s great! They take a moment to reconnect over their fermented fetuses (yep), and then Stannis requests permission to visit a character I had- until this point in time- assumed had been written out of the show.

Shireen! Stannis’ daughter. She suffers from a skin condition called greyscale, which has left one side of her face marred by, well, grey scales, hence the name. Shireen is still at an age where this condition does not trouble her. She doesn’t even seem to find it strange that her parents have locked her up in a cell (at least it’s not a jar).

I absolutely adored this scene. I finally liked Stannis because he, for once, resembled the Stannis I know and love (to hate). He clearly loves his child, he’s simply too stoic to show it. Shireen inquires about her good friend, Davos, and is clearly deeply saddened when her father informs her that Davos is a traitor and imprisoned. Stannis departs at the first hint of emotion, and as soon as the coast is clear, Shireen sneaks down to the dungeons to visit her incarcerated pal. She brings Davos a book to help him pass the time, and though he is touched by the gesture, he is forced to confess that he cannot read it. No matter! Shireen says she’ll teach him how to read, and begins instructing him in spite of his protests.

Yeah, I cried. What a precious little girl. The way Davos looks at her when she assures him that he is worth the risk and the effort simply because he’s her friend- I can’t. I can’t. Shireen is my new favourite character.

Speaking of favourite characters, we find Brienne indulging in her first bath in Gods-know-how-long when Jaime Lannister rudely interrupts. He strips down and struts over to her bath- blatantly ignoring the tub directly beside it- and despite her protests clambers in. As if sharing an uninvited bath with someone wasn’t uncomfortable enough, he begins to taunt her (as per usual), but this time takes it too far by implying that her dismal skills as a Knight lead to the ultimate demise of her beloved Renly. Brienne- nudity forgotten- leaps up to glower down at Jaime, who- at last- cowers in response. He even apologizes and calls for a truce, and when Brienne points out that a truce requires trust, confesses that he does, in fact, trust her.

Now, as we’ve already discussed, nothing will ever be able to hold a candle (or should I say a blazing slave master) to last week’s episode. I must confess, however, that I had also been awaiting this moment. It was the moment that Jaime Lannister became my favourite character (well, besides Shireen Baratheon).

With seemingly no prompting at all, perhaps in an effort to prove that he does, truly, trust Brienne, Jaime begins to talk about his tarnished past. He begins to tell the true story behind the name “Kingslayer”. He tells Brienne about King Aerys’ obsession with fire. With burning. It was an obsession that grew alongside his madness and paranoia. He had his pyromancer store cashes of wildfire beneath septs and houses and taverns all over the city- including the Red Keep. When Robert killed Aerys’ eldest son and began his march towards King’s Landing, Tywin Lannister wrangled his own army and arrived at the gates first. Knowing his father intended to join Robert in his rebellion, a young Jaime implored The Mad King to surrender. The King, however, refused to give in. He commanded Jaime to bring him Tywin’s head, and with that, gave his pyromancer the order-

“Burn them all.”

Turns out Aerys had been anticipating this end result. His solution was to ignite a cleansing fire that would sweep across the entire Kingdom- wiping out thousands of men, women and children.

“Burn them all.”

The Mad King intended to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Like a dragon, as “fire cannot kill a dragon”.

Jaime , however, did not kill his father. He wasn’t willing to stand by and watch the city burn. Instead, he killed the pyromancer, and then drove his sword through the King’s back, earning himself the name.

Knowing that no one would believe him if he were to tell them the truth- not after they had all made up their minds that he was an oathbreaker- he opted to keep the truth buried along with the wildfire. Angered by the memory of Ned Stark finding him perched upon the Iron Throne and judging the scene before him, Jaime grows faint. As he sways, Brienne calls out to alert the guards- “The Kingslayer!”

“Jaime,” he replies, “my name is Jaime.”

Shh, it’s okay. We’ve all forgiven the incest by this point.

No one was engulfed in flames (thanks to Jaime’s heroism), but this scene was just as perfect as last week’s finale. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nikolaj Coster-Waldau received an Emmy nod for this season- in fact, I’ll be angry if he does not. Considering the sacrifice he made for us all, it’s really the least that we can do.

At last, we check in with Dany, who is in the process of finding common ground with her newfound army. Jorah and Selmy are also attempting to get to know one another, though it’s not going very well, as they basically just partake in an “I love Daenerys more” dick-measuring contest. Sorry guys, you lose- every woman on the face of the planet loves her more right now thanks to her shaking up gender stereotypes last week.

What else…what else…oh, Robb decides to attack Casterly Rock (not to be confused with Fraggle- though wouldn’t that be awesome?) while the Lannister’s forces are preoccupied. In an effort to cushion his own dwindling army, however, he’ll first need to visit Walder Frey. You know, the guy whose daughter he had sworn to wed. Yeah, that guy. He’s going to ask a favour of that guy. Audacity? Stupidity? You decide.

We wrap things up in King’s Landing, where virtually no one is happy. Except maybe the Tyrells. One of them even got laid! Surprisingly, it wasn’t Olenna. The Lannisters find out about the plan to wed Sansa to Loras (thanks a LOT, LORAS), and decide to swiftly counteract their efforts by instead promising her to Tyrion. This is supposed to be another- “Aww, poor Sansa!”- moment, but we all love Peter Dinklage so much that it really kind of falls flat. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to be married to Peter Dinklage?! Did you guys know he’s vegan? Well, he is. What a guy.

Cersei- who was, of course, instrumental in this dastardly deception- is present at the meeting that takes place between Tywin and Tyrion, and is still smirking with satisfaction when suddenly the tables turn.

Tywin informs her that she will be the one to marry Loras in Sansa’s stead. Cersei is not pleased, but Tywin gives virtually no fucks about feelings, and her smirk dissolves into a scowl as she considers the prospect of marrying yet another man she does not- and will not ever love.

By the way, I checked, and it does- @lannisterhand.