Five Ways GTA V Shows You’re a Monster
Most people see Grand Theft Auto V as a game that chronicles the adventures of three criminals as they shoot, drive, murder, and maim their way through the fictional state of San Andreas. In reality GTA V is a journey into your own soul, one that makes you realize how horrible you are and leaves you shivering on the living room floor, a broken shivering wreck of a human. Or maybe that’s just me.
These are the top five things learned playing GTA.
Class is in session!
1. You Are Terrible at Spending
GTA V is a giant toy-box, filled with all manner of pretty things to smash together. Unfortunately, as in the real world, the prettiest and most shiniest things of all require you to spend money, which is given out fairly randomly. There are businesses that can be purchased to provide a steady income stream, but who can save money for those when I can order bright pink scooters over the internet and spend all my money playing the stock market? Speaking of…
2. You Are Boring
Cars are racing by, guns are blazing, helicopters sweep over the city hunting for criminals, and I am parked behind a warehouse, buying stocks on my iFruit smart-phone. Apparently, my power fantasy is the ability to trade stocks without a transaction fee.
“OH MY GOD! Facebook is down a point and a half!”
3. You Have Poor Taste
I always thought I had good taste in music. When I started playing the game, I would immediately tune to the classic rock. And then I realized, with mounting horror, that I was listening to the country music station. I grew up with this stuff, I thought I had escaped it forever, but here I am starting to enjoy it. Possibly as a penance for…
4. You Only Care About People You’ve Talked To
There is a certain scene in GTA V that you may have heard of. I won’t spoil it, but it is nauseatingly unpleasant. However, I wasn’t sicked by all the carnage I had committed to get to that point in the game. The only difference is that is was slower, and the character was named. However, this may be only a subset of…
5. You Have a Moral Compass that Points Due Crazy
I have no concept of morality. I will drive through a crowd of pedestrians to avoid a traffic jam, and yet try to plan heists so that no one gets hurt. I will cause a 50 car pile up trying to catch a mugger and then return the wallet, because its the right thing to do. I am a grinning monster, a horrible thing that wears a facade of humanity like a mask.
“Its OK Mamn, we got the cat down from the tree with only minimal casualties.”
Seriously, GTA V is pretty awesome. You should totally get it.
