My Experience at Attack on Titan Park

So after the release of my last product review my bosses at GEEKPR0N decided to take me out for drinks to celebrate the “massive success it had brought to the website”. Despite my assurance that I, in fact, didn’t drink my superiors managed to get me trying a wide variety of very delicious drinks that were in no way appletinis.

I lost track of time during this revelry and fell unconscious. When I awoke I was treated to a rare and bizarre sight.

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!

I realized that I found myself about to be inserted into the maw of a massive Titan! In a panic I punched it squarely in the teeth. Regretfully, in my inebriated state, I lacked the mental fortitude to recall that the enamel of a tooth is significantly harder than any other equivalent bone in the human body. My hand cracked like glass under the pressure and I escaped.

As I did, I turned around and saw several members of the survey corps taking pictures of people ACTUALLY STANDING IN THE TITAN’S GRIP to be eaten. I managed to snap a photo of the poor woman screaming in raw terror as I fled the scene.

Her screams will forever haunt me.

I found several members of the Survey Corps only wearing their regulation ponchos over civilian clothes but they were unable to understand me as they were all speaking Japanese. Since I had no subtitles to understand them I snapped my fingers in frustration and then screamed for a while from the pain of trying to snap broken fingers.

I continued to run around trying to get the civilians away from the Titan who was undoubtedly already consuming the woman, as well as any other Titans that might be in the area. As we all know, Titans travel in packs. I only briefly paused to high five a small member of the Survey Corps (and scream in pain) and complimented his fellows for welcoming such a diminutive member into their ranks without prejudice or avarice.

That is progressive enlistment right there.

Commenting on the advantages of having a significantly shorter member of the Corps being someone much harder to hit I looked around for a moment, carefully keeping an eye out for Titans when I saw a grand spectacle before my eyes.

Great Booogly Tooogly!

The sight before me could not be mistaken! That of Eren battling the Female Titan in a massive showdown. I was caught in a grand sense of dread as I looked upon the spectacle. Despite the intense danger many people, including members of the survey corps, were simply standing there and taking photographs.

At that moment my heart became filled with this strange sensation called Justice with a capital J! I realized I must do something, broken hand and all to help. I charged the Female Titan releasing a proud roar as I charged hitting her ankle with a full tackle. Regretfully that fourteen meters of weight was just more than my body could handle. I was unable to move her despite extensive grunting and groaning on my part. I blame my broken hand.

I was pulled away by men wearing security fatigues shortly after my assault who proceeded to yell at me in very loud angry Japanese.

And that was the third time I was kicked out of Japan.