Anti-Halloween? 10 Things to do Instead!

Is that the sound of trick-or-treaters?! NOOOOOO.

So you don’t like Halloween. Maybe you’re even “anti-Halloween.” No bigs, no bigs. Don’t worry–I don’t like Halloween much either. More specifically, I don’t really like “adult Halloween.” It’s been downhill for me since I grew too tall to pass for “Child in a Mask” and was unable to partake in trick-or-treating. Sigh. Life is rough, guys. So if you aren’t into dressing up, small children, pumpkins, costumes, sexy nurses, and adults taking any opportunity to be drunk and obnoxious in public, never fear. Here’s a list of “anti-Halloween” things you can do this Friday that will hopefully keep you safe, sane, and from lighting a small child on fire:

1. Um, Stay in.

The best way to avoid the awfulness of Halloween is to just stay inside. That sounds kind of lame perhaps. Or maybe you could just suck it up and stop whinging already. Clean out your closet. Do a puzzle. Invite some like-minded friends over and play Clue. If you live in a neighbourhood and aren’t keen on trick-or-treaters, keep your lights off so those little rascals don’t ring your doorbell. You could maybe put a sign on the door that says “HALLOWEEN SUCKS LOLZ” and fully embrace your anti-Halloween-ness but you risk getting egged, if that’s still a thing the kids do these days.

No matter what anyone says, it’s okay to hide from Halloween.

2. Nightcrawler

Maybe you were unaware, but a most bad-ass movie, Nightcrawler, starring Jake Gyllenhaal comes out on Friday. Lou Bloom (Gyllenhaal, looking particularly creepy) is aching to be a crime reporter and gets dragged into the seedy LA underbelly (I’ve always wanted to type that). Something something if you want to win the lottery you have to make enough money to buy a ticket. YOU HAVE TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A TICKET!

3. Maps to the Stars

And if you’re going to be at a Cineplex anyway, might as well check out David Cronenberg’s latest film, Maps to the Stars. While Cronenberg has been responsible for some more creepy movies that could fall under the Halloween category, this one is a twisted look at Hollywood, starring Julianne Moore, Mia Wasikowska, and John Cusack. Sold! (Also Robert Pattinson, if you’re into that.)

4. Born to Fly: Elizabeth Streb vs Gravity

Fiction ain’t your thing? Cool beans. How about this intense documentary screening at the Bloor Cinema at 3:30PM on Friday? Born to Fly follows the work of Elizabeth Streb who works as a choreographer but others might say she takes that to the extreme with her dancers. Watching the trailer is enough to make you nervous. Intense! Also: ouch.

5. Netflix!

While I can almost guarantee that you won’t find any Halloween shenanigans at Cineplex during your anti-Halloween, it may still be safer to take in some movies at home. This is where we kneel down and thank the Netflix gods for existing.  I would recommend having a bunch of friends over and having a Gilmore Girls party. It’s all on Netflix now, in case you missed the internet exploding about it a few weeks ago. If you watched the entire first season, Halloween would be over before you knew it. And you’d be so so close to Rory and Lorelei. (Another option: Full House. Those are your only two options for anti-Halloween. Deal.)

The Gilmore Gospel is life. Just let it in.

6. Chocolate Festival? Chocolate Festival!

Apparently there is a Chocolate Festival happening right now?! The things you find when Googling “what to do on Halloween that is anti-Halloween.” You can get some coupons here and purchase some fancy chocolates in a surely child-free fancy-pants chocolate setting. Or, if you’re feeling particularly sparkly, you can go have Chocolate Afternoon High Tea at the Edward Hotel. Ouuuuuuu.

Did somebody say fancy chocolate?

7. Get a Head Start on Christmas-y Shopping.

While all those jokers are out there with their jack-o-lanterns and scary masks, you can be browsing the aisles of Micahel’s or Canadian Tire in peace. Yes, that shit is already out. I found it by accident last week and it scared me. But, still, imagine getting all of your Christmas decor shopping done well before November. I can’t think of anything more anti-Halloween than that. Sure.

Christmas?! It’s not even November yet.

8. Buy Candy for Really, Really Cheap.

My new favourite part of being a grownup during Halloween is buying Halloween candy as soon as it’s on sale. Some places start doing this late on Halloween night. So go find a 24hr Shoppers and lurk the candy aisles until the employees get nervous and ask you what you’re doing! (And if you don’t like candy then I don’t know what to tell you. Might want to have a doctor look at that.)

Why are we eating this crap when there’s cheap candy to be bought?!

9. Michelangelo: Quest for Genius at the AGO

The AGO is the last place I’d want to be if I were a child and/or a drunk person dressed as a Slutty Pumpkin, so this is the perfect place to hide out during the day (they are only open until 5:00 PM). The most recent exhibit to launch is one about Michelangelo, which is actually kind of rad. The focus is on his drawings and his struggles with and exploration of the creative process.

No Halloween at the AGO, yeah! (Warning: throwing a light switch rave at the AGO may get you kicked out.)

10. Stanely Kubrick: The Exhibition at TIFF Bell Lightbox

Okay, so TIFF is launching their Stanely Kubrick exhibition with a screening of The Shining, which is incredibly Halloween-y. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the walk-through exhibit! It’s open until 10PM and will feature tons of props from his films, as well as scripts, production materials, and even some of his early work as a photojournalist. Yesssssss.

Yeah, I feel the same way about The Shining. Shudder.

Hopefully this has given you some hope that you don’t have to be a sad-sack if you’re celebrating anti-Halloween this year. But your friends will still most likely call you a sad-sack. Thems the breaks, you crazy anti-Hallowen-er. You’ll find me lurking the aisles of my local Shoppers for cheap candies. Maybe see you there? High five.

Ready for you now, Halloween.

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