Game of Thrones Recap: The Rains of Castamere

Well, that happened.

Do you guys need a minute? Do you need a hug?

The Rains of Castamere was an incredibly well-done episode, which made it all the more painful to endure. Fans who haven’t read the books were devastated by what could be considered one of the cruelest twists of the series, and fans who have read the novels basically suffered an hour-long panic attack waiting- just waiting for the bloodbath to begin. Trust me- knowing ahead of time what was in store for the King in the North did not make watching the events unfold any easier.

We’ll get to that, though. I just…I need a minute. I’ve got something in my eye.

The episode commences with a heartfelt conversation taking place between Robb Stark and his mother. Yeah, the writers aren’t wasting any time here. They start plucking heartstrings within literally the first minute.

Robb is filling her in on the plan he only just devised- to lay siege of Casterly Rock while Tywin Lannister is preoccupied at King’s Landing. When Catelyn asks him why he is even bothering to inform her of his latest strategy, he confesses that he is asking for her advice (and in turn, granting his forgiveness). After all, she did warn him to not send Theon Greyjoy back to the Iron Islands- and look how that turned out!

Catelyn is clearly touched by the gesture, and Robb’s plan to invade the homeland of the Lannisters evidently appeals to her vindictive nature, because despite her comprehension of all of the many risks they would be taking by attempting such a brazen feat, she tells him to do it. She wants the Lannisters to understand what it feels like to lose. For once.

Whether they are willing to accept it or not, this war has begun to revolve around a personal vendetta. They are now more than willing to risk the lives of the men that compose of their army even when the odds are stacked against them because the mere prospect of revenge seems worth the price. The Lannisters are renowned for their pride the way the Starks are for their honour, but I fear that the Starks began to tread into prideful territory the second they determined Robb was worthy of the title “King in the North”. Unfortunately, the Lannisters have had century’s worth of experience when it comes to self-righteous endeavors. The Starks? Not so much.

When Robb and his host (including his pregnant wife and mother) arrive at the Twins, they partake in Walder Frey’s salt and bread, and are thus welcomed as honored guests, having participated in the age-old custom of hospitality. See? It’s fine, guys! If Walder Frey were to betray his guests now it would be considered an oath-breaking violation and…what was that? An oath-breaking violation like Robb marrying Talisa even after he’d sworn to wed one of Frey’s daughters? I suppose you could look at it that way.

Speaking of Frey’s daughters, we’re introduced to them one by one, in an insolent parade that is clearly intended to shame Robb. Never one to quit while he’s ahead, Frey then calls up Talisa, you know, just for comparison’s sake. He gives her a once-over, making his customary chauvinistic remarks, but before Robb can step forward to defend his wife’s honour, his mother pulls him back. Best to not insult Walder Frey. Again.

We leave the Starks and the Freys to their futile attempts to make nice, and revisit Daenerys in Yunkai, where yet another ploy is being unhatched. Daario (the sell-sword none of us wanted to like but now adore) is attempting to prove his newfound loyalties with a plot that he feels will enable Daenerys to conquer the city. If all goes according to plan, he, Ser Jorah and Grey Worm will enter the city through a hidden back passage, slay the guards, sneak through the streets and open the main gates- allowing her army to pass through with ease, and minimal carnage. Daenerys likes the sound of this, and although even Ser Jorah cannot deny that it’s a good plan, he audibly expresses his own doubts. You know, because it’s a good plan, and Dany approves of it, and he didn’t come up with it, and that simply will not do.

He agrees to follow Daario’s plan in the end, however, because Daenerys asks him to, and when Daenerys says “Jump” Jorah asks “How high, my Queen?” and then puts on a suit of armor despite the heat and jumps as high as he possibly can.

Oh, Ser Jorah. Please don’t tread too far into the dreaded territory of “Nice Guy”.

On the topic of nice guys, we then revisit Sam (who is genuinely a nice guy, not to be confused with the self-proclaimed “Nice Guy”) and Gilly. They’re within sight of The Wall now, trudging tirelessly through the snow, and Sam is attempting to regale Gilly with an impromptu Night’s Watch history lesson. Gilly is as stunned by his seemingly endless wealth of knowledge as she is by the staggering grandeur of The Wall itself, and is amazed to discover that he attained all of this wisdom simply by reading books. She even compares him to a wizard, but really, she should compare him to a witch, because he’s a regular Hermione Granger and we love him for it.

We leave those two to continue being adorable, and check in with another unlikely pair. The Hound and Arya are making their way steadily towards the Twins, and- I’m just going to put this out there- I love those two. I want them to get their own sitcom. Anyway- they happen upon a commoner on his way to the wedding to deliver food for the feast, and Sandor- ever suspicious- renders him unconscious with a single blow. In his defense, he first helped the man fix his broken wheel by hoisting up his wagon. What a guy! Right?! When he goes to slit the prone man’s throat, however, Arya leaps between them, beseeching The Hound to spare the man’s life. They quibble, as per usual, but in the end they find common ground. The Hound sheaths his blade and Arya knocks out the commoner as soon as he begins to stir. You know, just as a precaution.

At this point, things seem to be going fairly well for everyone. Robb has made his amends, Sam’s a zombie-slaying wizard, and The Hound has finally revealed his soft side! Just when we’re starting to feel cautiously optimistic, the writers pick up our half-full glasses and pour the water over our heads.

Surprise, motherfuckers! This is Game of Thrones and everything. Is. Horrible.

Alright, I’m aware that this is a Recap and my job is to recap episodes of Game of Thrones, but I’m also aware that everything beyond the final fifteen minutes was essentially fluffy filling. It was like a Peep compared to the conclusion. So, I’m going to try to sufficiently fulfill my duties while keeping in mind the fact that all we all truly want to read about is the final fifteen minutes.

Long story short (seriously, these next few paragraphs probably transpired over the course of 1000 pages in the books), Jon and his Wildling buddies have stumbled upon an elderly horse breeder. They formulate a plan that consists of them taking his horses, and him dying a horrible death. Jon, of course, is opposed to this course of action, but his Wildling comrades are hearing none of it. Knowing he can’t simply go against them, he instead inconspicuously sabotages the plan by making noise as they approach, alerting the man to the impending danger. He flees on one of the horses they were attempting to thieve and rides away, but sadly he’s soon caught right outside of the storm tower Bran and his gaggle of misfits are hiding in; seeking shelter from the storm.

Meera Reed is the first to spot the Wildlings (thanks a LOT, Jojen), and as tensions begin to rise below, thunder begins to rumble in the near distance. Unfortunately, Hodor is afraid of thunder. He begins to “Hodor”, attracting the attention of Orell, and prompting the line “No more Hodoring!” Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bran enters into Hodor’s mind, lulling him to sleep before he returns to his own body. That’s right. Bran. Wargs. Hodor.

Everyone in the tower is like whoa and viewers everywhere are like whoa and down below Jon is like whoa because Orell has just suggested that he be the one to slay the elderly rider to prove his loyalty. He hesitates, long enough to provoke Ygritte to finish the job for him. She shoots the old man in the chest with an arrow (I guess she had a lot of time to practice her aim, considering she somehow managed to hit his horse four times in an effort to force him to dismount earlier), effectively blowing Jon’s cover. The Wildlings turn on him and before Ygritte can join the fray, he shoves her aside and attempts to take the men on solo.

Up in the tower, Jojen Reed is finally making himself useful, coaxing Bran to willfully occupy Summer’s body. Bran’s never achieved this before outside of his dreams, but- realizing how dire the situation is- he taps back into his Warg-abilities and manages to inhabit his Direwolf’s mind and body just in time to unwittingly assist his brother, Jon.

That’s right. Unwittingly.

Jon rides away while Summer is ravaging a Wildling’s jugular, leaving not only Ygritte, but his two remaining brothers behind (oh, I suppose at this point he had three brothers, but…). So close, and yet so far.

We’re granted a momentary reprieve when we return to the Twins to watch Edmure wed his bride who- surprise!- is a total babe. Frey casts Robb an “I told you so” look, having clearly kept this genetic wonder stored away for the sole purpose of marrying “The King in the North”, but Robb has no regrets. While the happy couples recite their vows, Robb exchanges a fond glance with his wife, reminiscing about their own nuptials. How quaint.

That’s enough good cheer for one episode. We’re then back in the storm tower, and Bran, having realized how precarious their circumstances truly are, insists that Osha take his little brother to a safe-house with a Stark family ally. Rickon says more over the course of their sorrowful goodbyes than he has over the course of the entire show thus far. Surely this is the most painful thing we’ll have to endure this episode.

Spoiler alert: Nope.

I honestly cannot maintain focus any longer. I need to talk about those final fifteen minutes but first- and I cannot believe I’m skimming over a scene involving my sister-from-another-mister, Daenerys- we’re back in Yunkai.

Dany is pacing, awaiting news, as evidently no one thought to fill the Queen in on the happenings involving her own army. Remember the plan Daario proposed? To open the main gates and let her army filter through with ease? Apparently, it was no trouble at all (probably all thanks to Grey Worm- who fights like Batman with a giant sword)! It went so smoothly that even she doesn’t find out about it until Jorah shows up, battered and bloodied, to inform her that the city is now hers. All that she’s concerned about, however, is the well-being of the sexy sell-sword. All that she has to say in response to being informed that she has now conquered another city is something along the lines of- “Where’s that tall drink of water?” You can see Jorah’s expression fall like Bran Stark when Daario breezes past him to present his Queen with the banner of her recently acquired empire.

Then we…oh boy. I’m not sure I’m ready to revisit this. I’m starting to experience palpitations. Again.

You guys- I prepared for this scene like a character in a teen movie preparing to lose their virginity. I paused the video and got up to stretch. I breathed in and out slowly ten times. I lit a candle (I’m not kidding) and turned out all of the lights. When I finally sat back down it was with a box of tissues and a duvet.

We return to the Twins just in time to witness the bedding ceremony. Talisa is baffled by this strange custom, and Robb attempts to defend their traditions, claiming it’s otherwise impossible for a couple to prove consummation of the marriage. Talisa calls him on his bluff, pointing out that there is a way- and a better way at that- tenderly caressing the subtle swell of her own belly. They start to discuss the name of their future child, and decide that- if it is a boy- his name shall be Eddard.

Then they kiss and live happily ever after and everything IS JUST GREAT.

Oh, who am I kidding. This is Game of Thrones. Honestly, we’re into the third season. We should all know by now that the second things get too good to be true- they are- and something dreadful is about to commence.

Catelyn is the first to note that things seem to be going awry. Lothar Frey meanders to the back of the Hall and slowly draws the double doors shut, locking them in. Then the band, situated on the balcony overhead, strikes up a new tune. This time it’s a song we all recognize. The Rains of Castamere. A song customarily dedicated to House Lannister.

Oh, Michelle Fairley, if you don’t wind up with an Emmy nod this season, I’ll consider it a crueler twist than Catelyn Stark’s fate.

The look on her face when she slowly lifts her gaze to the band sent a chill running down my spine. If you weren’t already aware that things were about to go horribly, horribly wrong, the way the colour fades from her face should be a good indication.

We pan outside for a split-second, when the tune is interrupted by the pitiful mewling of Grey Wind, who has been barricaded outdoors in a stall. I must take a moment here to share with those of you who have not yet read the novels a scene that I was devastated was left out of the episode. In the novels, as the Stark host approaches the Twins, Grey Wind balks. He starts snarling at the horses- spooking them into retreat- and steadfastly refuses to cross the bridge until Robb Stark coerces him. GodsDAMMIT, STARK CHILDREN. Those Direwolves were meant to keep you safe! They’re not Tamagotchis! You can’t just ignore them! They’re mythical fucking creatures gifted to you by fate! They’re like the unicorns of the canine family and you treat them like they’re overgrown Shih Tzu’s!

As if Grey Wind howling in his cage wasn’t tormenting enough, we then see Arya approach in the back of the wagon The Hound is driving. They’re stopped by a guard, who informs them that they cannot enter the Hall, even despite the salted pork (yuck) loaded in the back. By the time Sandor is done bartering, Arya has taken matters into her own hands- as per usual- and has made a break for it.

Back inside the Hall (honestly, I’m re-watching the scene as I write this and as a result, am hyperventilating as I write this), Lord Frey raises a hand to silence the band, and summons Robb forward, beckoning for the remainder of the guests to take their seat. The look of youthful optimism on Robb’s face contrasts horribly with the look of dismayed trepidation on Catelyn’s as she slowly sits back down beside Roose Bolton.

Roose places his arm beside Catelyn’s on the table, and slowly she lifts a hand to pull back his sleeve, revealing the layer of chainmail beneath.

OH NO. GOD NO. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Catelyn backhands Roose (literally the only good thing to happen for the next ten minutes), and before Robb has time to react, his pregnant wife is stabbed in the stomach and- okay. I need to pause here for a moment, because honestly. Honestly. Too far. In the novels, Robb’s wife was not pregnant, nor was she present at The Red Wedding. The pregnancy was- in my opinion- a blatant pity ploy that was entirely unnecessary. I agree that Talisa was too flimsy a character to warrant any real sense of attachment, but I daresay the infamous Red Wedding was brutal and horrific enough without any fetus shanking. She was- what- two? Three months along? There was no chance that the unborn child could have survived to one day lay claim to the North. It was so gory and so sudden that even Robb did not have time to react. He turned around in response to her guttural cries, only to be riddled with arrows, and in the end the sudden ruthlessness of her death (i.e., conspicuous shock value) only served to diminish the entire scene. I mean, Boromir kept fighting despite three arrows plunged into his chest on behalf of Hobbits (and neither of them were pregnant), but Robb Stark didn’t even have time to gasp. He didn’t so much as blink! So- why? Why? Why all of the gratuitous violence involving women and their bodies? Who actually sat in a conference room with a MacBook and a Starbucks latte and said- “You know what? The slaughtering of two of the series’ most beloved characters simply isn’t enough. You know what this scene needs? More graphic violence. Let’s show a pregnant woman being repeatedly stabbed in the abdomen and then let’s have her stagger away clutching her guts because man, I just don’t feel like we’ll get the emotional response we’re looking for unless a fetus gets it.”

It was distasteful and vulgar and pointless, considering the whirlwind romance of Robb and Talisa was supposedly made justifiable by the fact that they were so deeply in love with one another. Why, then, was that suddenly not enough? Why was gazing upon her face one last time not enough? Why was it so important he first tenderly caress the tangle of blood and entrails that was once his son? Who wrote this shit? Stephanie Meyer?

We leave Talisa and her unborn fetus to die a slow and horrible death (I despised her, but even I didn’t wish this upon her- sheesh), and head back outside to catch up with Arya, who has just discovered a group of drunken soldiers from her brother’s army. Her high hopes are quickly dashed (as per usual!) when Freys men take advantage of their dulled responses and kill them all where they sit. She hides- and quickly realizes that she just so happens to be hiding within feet of Grey Wind’s cage.

I can’t.

I CAN’T.

Now I know how Theon feels. I cannot take anymore false hope.

He’s throwing himself against the door, attempting to break free, and you think she’s going to scamper over just in time to release him when another group of Frey’s men approach- this time with crossbows. They riddle him with arrows (just like Robb- though this time I actually cried), and Arya watches him fall, his eyes drifting slowly shut as- I can’t. I seriously can’t. I can barely see the screen through my tears.

With that being said- don’t judge me. You know I didn’t feel sorry for Robb Stark. Besides, I’m certain I wasn’t the only one to cry when Grey Wind perished.

Thankfully, before she can get herself into anymore trouble, The Hound locates her in the midst of the melee and knocks her unconscious- knowing it’s the only way to force her to leave.

Back in the blood-stained Hall, an injured Catelyn manages to summon the strength required to clamber across the Hall and seize Frey’s wife- who is cowering beneath the head table. In a fit of desperation, Catelyn threatens to slice her throat if he refuses to let her son go, and after some back and forth, in which Frey points out that the Starks have already broken one too many vows to House Frey for any more to be given any real consideration, he succinctly informs her that he’ll simply find another wife.

Catelyn’s rage and desperation are palpable in this scene. Robb finally staggers to his feet, long enough to utter the line that caused a slew of young women to vow on Twitter than they were cancelling their HBO subscriptions: “Mother.”

Despite her pleas, he stands his ground, allowing Roose Bolton to deliver the final blow- and I’m not talking about the arrow he thrusts through his heart.

“The Lannisters send their regards.”

Catelyn’s screams are heart-wrenching, to say the very least, as she watches her eldest son fall back to rest alongside his deceased wife. Even though her own throat isn’t slit for another few seconds, it’s very clear that she perishes with Robb. Her hollow, haunted expression as she slits the throat of Walder’s wife and awaits her own turn is incredibly poignant, and- I imagine- what every viewer looked like as the credits started to roll in silence mere moments later.

If only she had loved Jon Snow (I’m sorry- I couldn’t resist).