Game of Thrones Recap: Walk of Punishment
Well, that was awkward.
The commencement of Walk of Punishment, I mean.
We start the episode with the Tullys and the Starks attending the funeral of Catelyn Stark’s elderly father. It’s not clear what the attendants find more painful; the loss of a loved one, or Edmure Tully’s complete ineptitude with a bow and arrow. All you had to do was light the pyre with a flaming arrow, Edmure! No pressure! Robb Stark- always the epitome of maturity- can’t help but smirk in response to his Uncle’s failure, but it’s the Blackfish that finally steps in to put an end to Edmure’s embarrassment. With the kind of self-assurance required if one is about to display Ron Jeremy levels of cockiness, he takes the bow, lights and arrow, looses it, and turns away before it even hits its mark. Who does he think he is? Katniss Everdeen?
As if being owned by the family outcast wasn’t enough, Edmure is then handed his ass by his nephew (“King” Robb) and the Blackfish. Apparently he screwed up one of Robb’s long-term strategies by taking it upon himself to attack Gregor Clegane’s forces, but seriously, Robb screwed up all of his long-term plans by marrying a sassy surgeon instead of one of Frey’s daughters- as promised. If it isn’t entirely clear, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Robb at this point. Oh, you fell in love? How quaint. This is Game of Thrones– you don’t get to just marry the person you love! Not a single woman in this show has married a man of her choosing, so, no, you don’t get any pity from me. Dick move, man. Dick. Move.
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.
Speaking of dick moves, we’ll move on to King’s Landing, where we’re treated to the best small council meeting ever. I think I actually applauded when Cersei walked in, assessed the seating arrangement, and- without speaking- picked up a chair and moved it to her father’s right hand. Tyrion, having paused to admire this power play, then seizes another chair and drags it to the position across from his father, provoking smirks and eye-rolls from every corner of the table.
I loved this scene. See, I have a theory about the whole “incest” thing. I don’t believe that Cersei ever truly wanted to be with Jaime, so much as she longed to be Jaime. She’s an incredibly strong character who often feels “trapped” in the body of a woman. She lashes out like a lion trapped in a cage because despite her strength, she often feels helpless- unable to resist the stereotype her present society has reduced her to. There’s no doubt in my mind she would have rather been a Knight than a mother, and so- despite all of her many flaws- I do adore her and sympathise with her (to an extent). You can see in her interactions with her father how desperately she desires to be treated with that same level of respect. She wants him to put her up on the same pedestal he has elevated Jaime to and will do everything in her power to climb up there. So I didn’t find the small council scene to be silly or frivolous or unnecessary, I thought it served to highlight an aspect of Cersei’s character that we rarely get to see.
Also, it was funny. I love Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage (who doesn’t?). They’re both incredible actors, and I adore every single scene that they have together.
As soon as everyone is seated, they discuss their current conundrums, and it is revealed that Littlefinger has been asked to court Lysa Tully (the Jamie Lynne Grumet of Westeros). While he’s away, attempting to convince her to join the Lannister’s side in this whole debacle, Tyrion will be expected to take over as Master of Coin. Tyrion finds this appointment insulting, which is probably precisely how Tywin intended it to be.
Are YOU Mom Enough?
Elsewhere, another Lannister is feeling slightly degraded. We find Jaime and Brienne bound together on horseback. He’s still being petulant, arguing that if he had been unbound they never would have been taken. Brienne isn’t willing to accept all of the blame for their capture, however, so she points out the fallacies in his argument and even questions his famed ability as a swordsman. Evidently she hits as a nerve, as his response is simply to inform her that when the men make camp, she will surely be raped. Is this fact something that has been weighing heavily upon his mind? Or…is he just being a jerk?
Even Brienne appears baffled for a moment- unable to decipher whether or not this is a warning or a mockery- but before she has too long to contemplate his motives, he suggests that when it happens she just “close her eyes and pretend it’s Renly”. Whaaat a jerk.
Thankfully the next scene was a lot sweeter (in more ways than one). Ayra, Gendry and Hot-Pie are about to depart the inn with their new friends (NOT captors) The Brotherhood, when Hot-Pie reveals that he has elected to stay behind. I don’t blame him, but I was sad to see him go. So was Arya, though you could barely tell because there’s no crying in Game of Thrones (unless you’re Catelyn Stark). You guys, he gives her a Direwolf pastry that he baked just for her. Arya- tactful as ever- had to ask which end was which, but I knew what it was before Hot-Pie even explained and it was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. In a show filled with death and gore and false-hope and terror and zombies and giants it doesn’t take much to make me go “aww”.
Sadly, we soon leave Arya in order to return to her mother, who is- at long last- mourning the likely loss of her two young sons. This time Talisa doesn’t awkwardly interrupt, as she’s busy tending to the two young Lannisters that Edmund captured (thus ruining EVERYTHING). One of the little boy hostages asks her if the rumours are true- if her husband, King Robb, is in fact a werewolf. Talisa confirms that yes, this is true, but there’s nothing to worry about because he’ll only eat children during a full moon.
I used to be a werewolf, but I’m okay na-Oooooow!
I don’t know what we gained from this scene. We’ve already seen her tend to someone in nearly every scene she’s been in, so, we get it, she’s a regular Florence Nightingale. Was it supposed to showcase her whimsical side? She was scaring children that were already injured and being held captive. All I took away from this scene is that Talisa would have been kicked out of The Babysitter’s Club.
On the other side of the wall, Jon Snow and his newfound Wildling buddies have discovered what remains of the battle that recently took place between The Night’s Watch and The White Walkers. Basically horse carcasses, sliced into quarters and neatly arranged in a spiral. GROSS. Why didn’t the horse just run away? Don’t say “because they were in pieces”, because I clearly mean before that, in the midst of the battle. Anyway, I wasn’t really paying attention to this particular scene because I was horrified, but apparently Mance intends to attack Castle Black and Jon is supposed to assist him in this endeavour because he’s aware of all of the castle’s defences or something. I don’t know, I’m just really upset about those horses.
Oh, while we’re on the topic of the Night’s Watch and White Walkers, Sam and the remaining men have made it back to Craster’s Keep. He’s just in time to witness (literally- whoa) the birth of Gilly’s baby. In case you too are really upset about the horse massacre and have forgotten who Gilly is, she’s Sam’s kind of buck-toothed, inbred crush. The pregnant one? Yeah. Except she’s not pregnant anymore because she has had her baby and it’s a boy and we all know what that means. Yep. He’s going to be sacrificed to The White Walkers because…daddy doesn’t want any competition? I guess. I’m grossing myself out- we’ll move on…
…to another gross scene. Stannis, come on. We find Stannis on the beach with Melisandre; she’s going on a mini-vacation and he’s begging her to stay. There’s nothing worse than a needy, clingy man, and Melisandre’s disdain in response to his pleas is palpable. He wants another shadow baby, she wants him to get his clammy hands off her. It’s such a weird, unsettling scene, and very out-of-character. Fans of the book are truly spoiled by how closely the novels are followed; most changes are subtle and seem necessary, but Talisa and Stannis are two variations I personally cannot tolerate. I prefer my Stannis stoic- not smutty.
Thankfully, we leave those two weirdos behind to visit Daenerys, who is currently weighing the pros and cons of buying a slave army. Ser Barristan says it’s not a good idea, and even plays the Rhaegar card- telling Dany that her noble brother would never have approved of such unsavoury methods. Jorah pipes up to counteract that point, with a line plucked right from the pages of the book- “Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly, Rhaegar died”. Hard to argue with that. They meet with the slavemaster to discuss a deal, and Daenerys proposes quite the exchange: Eight thousand Unsullied, the remaining men in training, AND the interpreter, Missandei (because why not?) for a dragon. Obviously the slavemaster accepts the deal, because, uh, dragon.
When I read this scene in the novels I very nearly lit my book on fire (because death by fire is the purest death). I was incredulous, and Ser Jorah and Barristan were as well. They’re your children, Daenerys! Won’t somebody please think of the children?! Unfortunately, Dany ignores their protests, and later chastises them for their lack of faith in her judgement. You almost forgive her when she delivers an Eowyn-esque line to Missandei a minute later- “All men must die, but we are not men.”- but deep down you’re still mad because seriously, what the hell is she thinking?
Still a more competent mother than all of “The Real Housewives”.
Daenerys leaves with her new BFF Missandei and we return to Kings Landing to find Tyrion in a brothel. This time, he’s there for business, not pleasure- retrieving the necessary financial paperwork from Littlefinger. Bronn and Podrick have tagged along, and before they depart, Tyrion informs Pod that he’s going to stay behind. It’s payback time. Unlike most paybacks we’ve witnessed thus far, this one involves three very naked, very flexible prostitutes instead of knives and pain. Oh, Game of Thrones.
When Pod finally returns, it’s to discover Tyrion and Bronn poring over the paperwork, having just realized how very indebted The Iron Throne is to the Iron Bank of Braavos and Tywin Lannister himself. At this point in time, we can be certain that at the very least Tywin is aware of the fact that he is unlikely to ever be reimbursed, but the Iron Bank of Braavos? If they find out their money has been lost, they’re likely to start funding the enemy. Before there’s time to truly dwell upon this fact, however, Pod returns Tyrion’s satchel of coins- intended for payment at the brothel- and informs the men that the bendy, nude women simply wouldn’t accept it. Why? Because Podrick Payne is a pimp with a capital IMP. I don’t care what anyone says- I loved this scene. To those viewers that felt it was “silly” or out of place- just be quiet, this is Game of Thrones– it was a welcome change to giggle in response to a scene instead of cringe or cry or curl up in the fetal position. Just…let me have this.
Literally seconds later everything is terrible again. Brienne and Jaime are tied up separately in their captor’s camp, and- just as predicted- a group of men come to take Brienne away. It’s a horrible scene. She’s fighting back, just as she said she would, but it’s to no avail. She’s tied up and outnumbered, and as she’s dragged out of sight Jaime pipes up, catching the attention of the leader, Locke. He informs the man that Brienne comes from a wealthy family hailing from the Sapphire Isles, and that her father, the Lord of Tarth, will surely reward him with riches if his daughter is returned to him “unbesmirched”. Thankfully, Locke buys what we all know to be a clever ruse (the island of Tarth is known as The Sapphire Isle because of its clear blue waters- not because of its wealth). Brienne is returned (“unbesmirched”), and you know that she knows that Jaime Lannister himself- the cockiest captive there ever was- was the one responsible for the reprieve.
We’re permitted a fleeting moment of relief before Jaime is whisked away by Locke and his men. Irked by Jaime’s apparent lack of fear, they decide to prove how serious they are about their allegiance by CHOPPING HIS HAND OFF. Not just any hand- his sword hand.
No no no NO- NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE!
As if that wasn’t jarring enough, a split-second later we fade to black and are assaulted by an upbeat, electric version of “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”.
Oh, Game of Thrones, what will you think of next?
