Game of Thrones Recap: Dark Wings, Dark Words

This episode began with a heart-wrenching scene that was worthy of a Disney film. Bran Stark is dreaming, reliving a fond memory with his elder brothers. When Sean Bean pipes up from seemingly out of nowhere, gently chiding the boys for their teasing, I imagine viewers worldwide reacted just as Bran did. “Father?!” It’s a quivering-lip-bite moment comparable to Simba seeing his father in the clouds. True story: I just looked up that clip on YouTube to make certain I hadn’t fabricated it in my mind and now I’m in tears.

Unlike Mufasa, however, Ned Stark isn’t providing Bran with the spooky premonitions. That part is left up to a strange, mysterious boy. Oh, wait; it’s the kid from Love Actually (you’re welcome). When Bran wakes up, Osha is having NONE of it. She refuses to hear anything about his dreams, claiming they’re brought on by “black magic”. We soon learn, however, that You-Know-Who has nothing to do with it! When Bran finally meets Jojen Reed, the boy of his dreams (I mean that literally), he’s informed that he possesses a lot of cool abilities. For starters, he’s a Warg, meaning he can communicate telepathically with his Direwolf (Summer) and also enter his body and see through his eyes. Personally, I understand why Bran revels in these moments, but I would definitely not…”warg” my dog; I’ve seen what she gets into when we’re out on our walks. Along with these newfound Dr. Dolittle abilities, he’s also informed that he has “The Sight”, meaning he can- or will in time be able to- recall the past and foresee the future. Osha is not impressed, and neither is Rickon, who is in desperate need of Nanny 9-1-1. Or at the very least a medieval baby harness. We’re not sure how Hodor feels about this revelation, or the addition of two more comrades (Jojen and his protector/sister, Meera) to their ragged little group, but I’m confident that Hodor Hodor Hodor.

We leave the band of misfits to check in on Robb and his Not-So-Silent-Silent-Sister wife, but their double-crossing flirtations are (thankfully) interrupted by Roose Bolton, one of Robb’s banner men, who spoils the mood by informing King Robb that his Grandfather, Lord Hoster Tully, is dead.

Oh, so is Bran and Rickon and everyone else he knew and loved at Winterfell. Yeah, they’re probably dead too.

Robb relays this information to Catelyn, who manages to take it pretty well, all things considered. I was a little bit baffled by her reaction, considering the histrionics we’ve seen her display in the past in response to any and all bad news. Ned’s in trouble? CAPTURE THE IMP. Ned’s been beheaded? STAGGER AWAY FROM CAMP WEEPING AND SWEAR VENGEANCE. Sansa is captive and Arya is missing? FREE THE ONLY LANNISTER YOU HAVE TO BARTER WITH. Your home has been burned to ashes, your father is dead, your friends and loyal servants died brutally and in fear and your two remaining sons are probably dead too? Wibble. I love Michelle Fairley, but I had a hard time understanding that choice. I mean, just the other night my MacBook fell on the floor and I screamed out loud in anguish, so, throw me a bone here.

Why cry when you can craft?

While the Starks continue to brood, we finally- at long last- have the opportunity to revisit Jaime and Brienne. It’s hard to have an OTP in the world of Game of Thrones because pretty much everyone is horrible and Khal Drogo is dead (I’m not over it), but I’ve decided that these two are my one true pairing. I want them to go on to have non-inbred babies together, but, in the meantime, I’ll settle for their bickering. They’re currently in the bra-strap-snapping stage of their courtship (it’s GOING to happen- I will take bets), and it is such a delight to watch. Jaime’s taunting her- she’s pulling his hair, everything is going relatively well until they stumble upon a wayward traveller. They exchange pleasantries (or as pleasant as pleasantries get in Westeros), and then Brienne allows the man to carry on. Jaime, on the other hand, attempts to convince her that the man recognized him and needs to be disposed of, but she ignores him, convinced he’s just goading her. You know, ‘cause that’s how they roll.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing, Sansa is being given some sisterly advice from her handmaid (surprise- she’s moonlighting as Tyrion’s whore!), Shae. Basically, Shae is advising her to watch out for Littlefinger. According to Shae, men only want one thing from pretty girls, and if he tries anything Sansa is to inform Shae immediately so that Shae can- we assume- cut a bitch. Sansa seems quite touched by the display of odd sisterly affection, and they braid each other’s hair. Just kidding- though I’m sure Shae actually did braid Sansa’s hair afterwards. You know, because it’s one of her duties as handmaid.

As it turns out, Sansa was getting all gussied up to go meet Margaery Tyrell’s Grandmother, Lady Olenna- better known as the Queen of Thorns, better known as everyone’s new favourite character. Margaery and her Grandmother sit down with Sansa for dessert and gossip, and gently coax the truth about Margaery’s betrothed out of the stupefied Stark. After some feeble attempts to steer clear of the conversation, Sansa finally blurts out the truth- that Joffrey is a monster. Not a jerk. A monster. Margaery and her Grandmother seem suspiciously unperturbed by the news, but maybe that’s because you can tell Joffrey is evil just by looking at him.

Like Draco Malfoy meets Patrick Bateman.

We leave Sansa at the mercy of her captors once more in order to revisit King Robb’s camp. There we find a bereaved Catelyn handcrafting what appears to be some sort of dream catcher for her sons, making it clear she’s still clinging to the hope that maybe- just maybe- her two young boys escaped the ruins of Winterfell unscathed. Talisa rides up (even her horse can’t stand her), and offers to help, but instead just makes things incredibly awkward. I was not a fan of this scene. I get it- they’re trying to make Catelyn a more sympathetic character, but it’s a bit of a stretch to expect us to believe that Catelyn truly believes that the entire war is her fault because she was mean to a kid. Karma’s a bitch, but honestly. In the novels Catelyn is never granted this moment of Jon Snow remorse, and so fans of the books might have a hard time swallowing this scene. I don’t know about you guys, but once a character is cruel to a child, I’m pretty much insusceptible to pity-ploys (that means you, Snape). Nothing justifies cruelty to a child- not even a fancy dream-catcher. Sorry.

Me? A dick? Always.

By that point I was ready to leave the somber Starks to catch up with the more spunky variety. Arya has been travelling with her castaway friends since we left her last season, and we find them berating Arya about the same decision we’ve all been contemplating since Jaqen H’ghar’s first knowing smirk. He offered to kill anyone of her choosing, and Joffrey- I chopped off your father’s head– Lannister didn’t even make the top three?! Really?! That was something that always irked me about the books (though it would have been too convenient if she had opted for everyone’s favourite little shit), so I’m glad that they touched upon it in the show.

Their banter doesn’t last long before they encounter The Brotherhood Without Banners, an eclectic group of outlaws (including Legolas). Arya and her friends are invited to tag along with the men, they even promise them a hot bowl of soup (I guess stew is like the Westeros version of candy), and surprisingly, all goes well! For once! They tell the Brothers how they managed to escape Harrenhal, and are even set free, but before they can even dust the straw off their bottoms The Hound shows up as the Brotherhood’s latest captive, and outs Arya as being “the Stark girl”. Dammit, Sandor!

Back at King’s Landing, Shae- the neediest paid escort ever- and Tyrion are fighting (again), though I can never tell if the actress is actually attempting to portray real emotion or not as she only ever seems to get progressively louder, rather than genuinely angry. Their fight is provoked by Tyrion suggesting that Sansa is pretty, mind you, so hopefully she’s not truly mad, because…come on. Meanwhile, Margaery fondles Joffrey’s crossbow (seriously), and I’m fairly certain causes him to spill some “royal seed” in his breeches as a result. Oh, Margaery, you saucy, saucy minx.

Just when you fear the episode is wrapping up, and you’re going to be forced to wait a whole other week for the next one, we’re treated to another round of Brienne versus Jaime, except this time their fighting escalates beyond petty insults. Jaime takes advantage of Brienne’s kindness, feigning exhaustion and slumping down on the bridge that they’re crossing- the bridge that just so happens to be situated out in the open. Clearly, she’s flustered by his petulant display (I’m certain every mother out there could relate to how she felt in that moment), but when she bends to hoist him up- she realizes it was all a clever ruse. Jaime manages to seize one of her swords, and after a bit of fancy sword swishing, they start sword fighting- and it. Is. Epic. Even as the steel is singing, Jaime doesn’t relent. He continues to taunt Brienne, but this time it’s almost sweet. He’s giving her the same advice you know someone gave him when he was honing his technique. Their fight is cut short, however, by the appearance of riders representing House Bolton, lead by none other than that wayward travelling SONOFA. In case you’ve forgotten, because it will be important later, House Bolton is the house with the flayed man as their sigil. Yeah, those guys. You’d think no one would want to align themselves with the guys that opted for a flayed man as their chosen sigil, but…don’t judge a House by its Sigil. Or something. I guess?