3 Real Ghostbusters (Ya Better Not Call)
There are ghost hunters the world over and many of them, I’m sure, are well meaning, reasonable people. However, just like in any community, there are some that you should never ever ever let into your house! I mean, holy shit, there’s got to be some way less crazy people to help you with your fake ghost problem, right?
3. Ahura Z. Diliiza a.k.a. the Unicorn
Ahura Z’s website boasts that he’s “a charismatic personality and a unique personage with his warrior’s build, blond braids and face tattoo. He is not a college kid who thinks he’s an expert on demons, or a plumber with an EMF reader, and he doesn’t run from ghosts.” What you should take away from these credentials is that they’re not credentials. A face tattoo is neat and all but anyone who points at one when asked if they’re qualified isn’t.
Of course he’s a doctor, look at how many tattoos he has.
Some of the reasons ghosts are scary is due to the fact that our conventional weapons, powered by our muscles, would be useless against their incorporeality. Blond braids, though, yeah, that’s like ghost kryptonite for sure.
Ahura’s also pretty psyched about having started the Unicorn Rangers, a kind of paranormal police who make a sentence like this and anything after impossible to take seriously. According to their website, they’re so experienced that sometimes they’re ”called upon by other agencies to handle situations for situations they cannot handle.”
The Ghostbusters call Ahura’s ghost busters to bust ghosts for those ghost busting jobs the Ghostbusters can’t bust.
The good news is Ahura’s also directing his own movie because a natural telepath’s powers are wasted outside of film.
2. Twisted Dixie
Ghost hunting rednecks. Yep.
They’re your basic ghost hunters but with the added charm of those people in your neighbourhood who smoke and drink all day on their porch. Their investigations literally involve doing just that but with more beers and smokes, some lawn chairs and a video camera from Radio Shack. All of this “equipment” and their drunken time is covered by the two large ones they charge you to “investigate” your paranormal pickles. Whoooooooo dog-eeeeee!
The next weirdness that should give anyone pause when considering inviting these people over to solve your problems are their serious and unresolved problems. For example, the oldest member of their group, Grady, a decorated Vietnam vet, is haunted by his past but not by literal ghosts. Metaphorical ones. But also literal ones because that’s what they hunt and find and stuff. He freely admits that he’s done so many terrible things that he can’t sleep at night.
You are safer with me.
Perhaps oddest of all, however, is how difficult it is to find Twisted Dixie. Doubtful News actually looked into the original report about these guys from the New York Times and had trouble finding any concrete details. Even contacting them with the idea of soliciting their services wasn’t possible. Then, finally, someone did locate their website, which is no longer functioning.
It seemed pretty likely that this was all one big pile of red neck chicanery but then I stumbled upon the photographer’s website who’d taken all the pictures for the NYT’s article. These guys exist, in some fashion.
They have the jackets to prove it.
But it’s likely they haven’t mastered internet technology yet because if they had they wouldn’t just be fake ghost hunters, they’d be fake red necks too.
1. The Teenage Exorcists
The Teen Exorcists, who are not even all teenagers – so that’s a great start- are the invention of Bob Larson, a douche bag evangelist who’s been around forever, duping people for money and having extramarital affairs. Whatever you believe about exorcisms, it’s actually pretty serious business because it likely involves mental illness and people possibly dying during the whole fucked up process. So who better to perform one than some plucky kids?
Their website biographies come off like a sexual predator’s fake profile luring page but with the added spice of demons. For example, Brynne’s bio describes how her favourite colour is “pink with a splash of sparkles” and that “Between casting out demons, keeping up with demanding school work and traveling all over the world… [she’s] had some crazy experiences!” You’d think something about demons might follow but nope! That crazy experience? Bungee jumping! HA! It’s hard to look away. It’s like Charlie’s Angels but instead of campy crime solving, they’re exploiting faith and hurting people.
Though it is a well known fact that Satan hates choreography.
Perhaps worst of all, however, is the fact that they’re not even convincing as fake exorcists.
According to Dr. Karen Stollznow from the James Randi Education Foundation, who attended one of teens’ seminars, Brynne just sort of shrieked at the person she was supposed to be exorcising and had to ask her dad partway through what the demon’s name was again.
The young man, an alcoholic and supposedly possessed, wasn’t cured. Shocking, I know.
